Notes: Thanks go to Crysothemis, Dawn Pares, and Kat
down-in-the-trenches beta. This story is the first time Mairead and
Bone have worked together, which is pretty appropriate for the
Millenium, in a kind of lion-and-lamb-sharing-a-sleeping-bag sort of
Rating: NC-17 for m/m sex, language, and angsty bits.
Comments: Are welcomed at firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com
Summary: The road to Heaven is paved with bad intentions. And smut.
by Mairead Triste & Bone
Thud-thump. Thud-thump. Thud-thump.
Ray squeezed his eyes closed against the bright, fluorescent
of the squadroom, and thought (as he frequently did) that he should
have known better. He had Saturday shift this week -- something that
normally would have been nothing more than a routine pain in the
ass, if it hadn't been for the fact that Friday night's retirement
party for Detective First Class George Stavropoulous had left him
with a First Class hangover.
As a result, pain in the ass didn't even begin to describe it.
Beat of heart, beat of head. Both feeling like they
along against overwhelming odds, and were thinking seriously about
giving it up as a bad job. His head hurt. His stomach hurt. His
mouth tasted like maybe he'd licked the floor of a holding cell when
he wasn't paying attention.
And of course, this had to be the day when Welsh decided
Saturday duty wasn't bad enough, but that somebody had to show the
new guy the ropes and hey, Vecchio -- try to explain the paperwork
without mentioning that you never do any yourself, okay? Ray had
agreed out of desperation, a gut-churning need to get away from the
smell of long-ago roast beef and mustard that haunted Welsh's
On top of that it was also Frannie's turn for Saturday
meant she had to miss her niece's piano recital or some such crap,
which meant she was even more pissy than usual, which meant that she
took it out on everybody by making coffee so bad that even Welsh
wouldn't drink it.
So -- the new guy; a transfer from somewhere back east.
With the way
his luck was going today he would probably be some New York
smartass, or some rube with a Maine twang that would cut through his
Ray pried one eye open, wincing. Given the glaring
light and no
glasses and his head, pretty much all he caught was an outline. A
really, really big outline.
He cleared his throat. "You're not, like, a bad guy
or anything, are
you? Because I gotta tell you -- I'm not in the mood, pal."
The outline came closer and sat down at the chair next
to his desk,
clarifying into a broad-shouldered guy with light brown, buzz-cut
hair and chiseled features that didn't quite match the hard gleam in
his eyes. Pale blue eyes. Bright. Ray squinted.
"Charlie Darnell. From Boston PD. I was told to ask for you--"
"Right, right, right, Stavropoulos' replacement." He
offered a hand,
and received one of those 'I'm a goddamn cop' handshakes. "Look,
The man smiled, proving that the brightness of his
eyes had nothing
on his teeth. "Call me Charlie."
That was definitely a Boston twang. Slightly better
anyway. Ray nodded, then wished he hadn't. "Ray. Just let me get
some stuff together here--"
He would have continued, except that as he spoke Francesca
in as if out of thin air, making him jump. Her hands fluttered
restlessly, tucking her hair firmly behind one ear, playing with her
necklace. The whisk and rustle of leather over nylon seemed suddenly
very loud. "You're him? You're the new guy?" Ray caught that
'what-shall-we-name-the-children' look on her face, and smiled even
though it hurt to do it.
"Uh... yeah..." Those blue eyes had gone wide and uncertain.
Apparently ol' Charlie wasn't quite the hardcase he seemed to be.
Ray sighed and leaned on his fist.
"Charlie Darnell, my sister Francesca. Civilian Aid.
Hey, I happen
to know that she made the coffee, if you'd--"
He had to whip his foot out of the way quick to keep
it from being
pierced by a spiked pump. "Actually, I was just about to make some
cappuccino, Detective Darnell." Ray wondered absently if he could be
absorbing some kind of weird female hormone just from listening to
her voice. "And then I'd be happy to take you around the station,
show you the ropes--"
"Ropes if you're lucky," he murmured, and pulled
the other foot
away fast. "Hey, Frannie, correct me if I'm wrong, here, but didn't
you say something to Welsh about how you were way too busy with case
research to put in any time on... what did you call it? 'Potty
training', or something like that--"
She turned on him fiercely, and for a split second
it was like
having a sister -- if he'd ever had one, he would have bet good
money that she would have looked at him like that. Obviously he
hadn't missed much. Frannie smoothed out quick, however, since
apparently it was more important not to scare off the new hunk than
it was to tear Ray a new asshole. "But Ray, you know I'm never too
busy to stand by our boys in blue --" a smooth shift, and she
switched over to Darnell with another prizewinning smile. "I just
love cops. They're like... knights or something. All that...
Darnell smiled back at her, and while she melted he
caught Ray's eye
with a glance of commiseration. Ray winked, and waved them both off
so he could put his head back down on his files as soon as possible.
He watched Darnell stand, registered Frannie's soft
surprise -- the guy had to be at least six foot six -- and tuned out
the sound of Frannie's voice as she led him away, asking some stupid
question about his gun.
Head down. Finally. Ray sighed. Darnell would do--
"...no, actually," he heard Darnell's voice, cautiously
far, far away, "I'm not married..."
A bonus all around. Looked like Fraser might actually
get a break,
Frannie-wise. Ray closed his eyes.
Okay, so he should have known better. Again. Should
pulling that Saturday shift wouldn't get him any favors four days
later. When Welsh offered to let him off the hook on the Bennetti
case (lots of footwork and an evidence search that would start at
the city dump -- not exactly a plum assignment), he should have seen
the bait-and-switch before he jumped.
But he hadn't.
"Since you're not going to be digging up the Bennetti
Detective, I think it would be best if you got that paperwork
backlog off your desk, don't you agree?"
Suddenly the dump didn't seem like such a bad deal.
"Well, you know,
Lieutenant, about that Bennetti thing--"
"And furthermore," Welsh interrupted smoothly, "since
we've had a
quiet week around here I think it would be abundantly possible for
you to have said paperwork completed and on my desk by lunchtime
tomorrow -- that's twenty-four hours from now."
"Go in peace, Detective. May the force be with you. In triplicate."
And so now, when he'd been looking forward to an afternoon
scheming up interesting things he could leave in Huey and Dewey's
desk while they were out dump-fishing, and looking forward to lunch
with Fraser and Dief to try to figure out which of the three of them
could handle the hottest chili, now he had nothing to look forward
Fucking paperwork. In triplicate. Ray sighed, bit his
vengefully, and got down to it.
There was a noise, a nagging, incessant distraction
like Chinese water torture only it was too far away to care about.
And anyway, he wasn't going to look up until he figured out how to
spell 'interrogation' -- which was just stupid because it wasn't
like he didn't write it enough--
He whipped his head up. "Fraser. Oh jeez... I forgot
to call. Look,
I was gonna call you but then I got into this thing here that I have
to do since I'm not at the dump and I just... hey, I can't make
lunch today, okay? See, the Lieutenant's got this strange idea that
somehow I can get caught up on a six month backlog in less than
twenty four hours, and I don't know what evidence locker he's been
He blinked. Sometimes facing Fraser's uniform was liked
smacked in the head with something... well, something really red.
"You can't go to lunch with me?"
"Boy, nothing gets past you, does it?" He twisted his
and the tension in his neck eased with a satisfying crack.
"And you were too busy to let me know of the change in plans?"
"Not too busy, Fraser; I just forgot. I think it's
probably all the
Wite Out I've been breathing."
"I see." Ah. Fraser's disapproval. Life just wouldn't
without it. The sad thing was that Dief looked pretty bummed out
too. He shouldn't have bragged up that chili so much.
"Look, Fraser, I'll make it up to you -- day after
tomorrow, and we
"Excuse me." Darnell. Apparently out of nowhere, appearing
right next to his desk. That such a big guy could move that quietly
seemed... weird. Just weird. Ray shook his head. Darnell was
smiling. "You must be the Constable I've heard all the stories
Ray watched Fraser slide from irritation to that apple-polisher
in the blink of an eye. "Indeed. Constable Benton Fraser, Royal
Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail--"
Ray cleared his throat, and craned way back to get
a look all the
way up to Darnell's face. "His dad is dead but he caught the bad
guy, and now he's an attached lesion to--"
"What I said. Fraser, this is Charlie, George's replacement
Boston. As far as I know he came here on the trail of a job--"
"I'm sure he did, Ray--"
And then, from Darnell, cutting smoothly across both
"Would you like to go to lunch with me?"
That was so unexpected that silence descended for a
blinked and looked at Fraser, who was looking at Darnell.
Who was smiling at Fraser.
"I beg your pardon?" Fraser asked softly. Ray's mouth
Apparently, Fraser hadn't seen that one coming either.
Darnell seemed to take it in stride, however. He took
forward, pretty much the only one left between him and Fraser, and
just kept on smiling. "I heard Ray here tell you that he's busy, and
I was just about to go try a new Greek restaurant I heard about --
would you like to join me?"
All on their own, Ray's hands found his glasses and
onto his face. He caught the look, the intensity, the intent in
Darnell's blue eyes, and his stomach seemed to fold in on itself. Oh
Ray knew that look. He'd seen it at least once on the
face of every
female in the station, and at least once a day on the face of
Francesca Vecchio. And here it was... on a guy. A big, strapping
cop guy. What the fuck?
"Well, that's very kind of you, Detective," Fraser
lit up, apparently thinking he'd discovered the only polite American
in existence. Ray swallowed, and almost choked on dry air. "I'd be
delighted. Greek, did you say?"
He should say something. He knew he should say
something, that to
not say something was going to hook him right back to one of those
'should have known better' moments, but for the life of him he
couldn't figure out what the hell he could say. Not until he got
Which looked like it might be a while, if Darnell's
anything to go by. "Yup. Greek. You like Greek?"
Ray's face burned, something that usually only happened
when he did
something incredibly stupid in front of Stella.
Fraser, however, was blush-free. Of course he was.
"Very much so. Do
you like wolves?"
It was the first time Ray had ever heard Darnell laugh,
and he found
that he didn't like it. Not at all. The muscles in his shoulders
tensed to the point of pain.
"Hell, yeah," Darnell agreed enthusiastically, and
Ray could only
watch while the guy steered Fraser towards the door with one huge
hand on his shoulder. "Everybody loves wolves. You gotta bark at the
moon, don't you, Constable?"
Fraser looked... even more stupidly trusting than usual,
away like that as if all was right with the world. "I take it that
you're referring to 'wolf music', and indeed, I must say that it's
gratifying to find another aficionado of that particular song." A
familiar, dry Fraser chuckle. "In fact, there was this one time,
when I was bivouacked on the edge of a forest in the Yukon
underneath a full moon near the end of November; when it came to my
attention that my camp had been surrounded by..."
And then they were gone. Ray realized slowly that his
hanging open, and he shut it with a snap. All the blood in his veins
seemed to be percolating, and there was a terribly confused sense of
not knowing whether to laugh his ass off, or grab his gun and go
Neither option seemed quite like what he wanted. There
a few other options he should consider, but right now his brain was
so full of Greek/wolf/Fraser combinations that he couldn't even
begin to figure out what they were.
In the end, he just closed his eyes for a few moments,
himself all over. He shrugged, and started going through his desk
drawers in search of a fresh bottle of Wite Out. He found some
eventually, and it was a damn good thing he did because it turned
out that he needed it -- suddenly his typing fingers had turned
stupid on him. Probably shouldn't have skipped lunch.
Darnell. Jesus. You could just never tell about some people.
"Ray! I wasn't expecting you."
Ray shifted from foot to foot in the Consulate doorway,
restless, thundery feeling in his limbs but unable to keep himself
still. "Yeah, well, that's me -- expect the unexpected. It's
just..." Abruptly his ear itched, so he scratched it. "I didn't hear
from you today, so..."
That familiar, faint frown-line of confusion bunched
up on Fraser's
forehead. "Today? Were you supposed to hear from me? Did I forget
Ray twisted his shoulders inside his leather jacket.
you didn't forget anything, like you would, but I thought that after
what happened yesterday--"
Fraser nodded, and his forehead smoothed out. "Ah.
yesterday? Consider it forgotten -- water under the culvert--"
"Bridge. Under the bridge, Fraser. And this isn't about
is about... that other thing."
Fraser's head tilted, and for a moment he looked so
much like Dief
that Ray wanted to laugh. "Other thing? And what thing would that
Naturally. Naturally Fraser couldn't pull his head
out long enough
to make this, like, easy on him or anything. Ray shifted to the
other foot before he could stop himself. "The other thing, the other
lunch, the other... look, are you gonna keep me standing out here
The door swung wide. "Oh, of course not, Ray. Please come in."
The Consulate always gave him the creeps at night.
Fraser down the hallway, knowing that he was working hard to keep
his steps silent. How in the hell could the guy sleep here?
It was better, at least a little, in Fraser's little
hole of an
office. It smelled better, or something. He took a chair, the least
uncomfortable of a really uncomfortable bunch. The desk lamp was
still on, and there were two neat piles of forms centered on the
otherwise uncluttered surface. "Hey -- am I interrupting something,
here? I mean --"
"Not at all. I was just preparing a few materials in
you see, Inspector Thatcher is... well, the Argentine Ambassador has
been paying us -- I mean her -- a visit, and--"
Ray waved it off. "It's Canadian stuff, I get it. I
don't need to
Fraser stared at him curiously. "Ray, are you all right?
"Agitated, agitated, right -- that's good. That's real
real top-notch observing, there." He rubbed his eyes, and almost had
to pry them open afterwards. He should be home and crashed out right
now, catching up on sleep after yesterday's nineteen-hour shift and
today's sixteen-hour shift, instead of... where he was.
But no. He was here, and he wasn't about to walk out
what needed to be said. He'd put it off long enough. If Fraser
didn't know... well, Fraser couldn't know. And if he did, he didn't
know enough. Which was a problem, or could be. How that had come to
be his problem, he wasn't sure, except that when he'd picked up
Vecchio's baggage, the Mountie'd come as part of the package, and he
guessed that made him responsible, in a strange sort of way.
Whyever, it needed to be done, and so there he was. Doing it.
"The other thing, that other thing I mentioned." It
really was hard
to get the words past the tightness in his throat. Surprisingly
hard. "It's about Darnell."
Fraser's head tilted again. "Detective Darnell?"
Ray nodded, and forced himself to meet Fraser's inquiring
"Yeah. Detective Darnell. The guy who asked you to lunch."
Fraser frowned slightly. "And Detective Darnell is
thing? Forgive me if I seem to be confused by that statement, Ray,
Deep breath. Just fucking say it, already. "He's queer, Fraser."
Fraser blinked. "He didn't seem all that unusual to me, Ray--"
Oh man. Why him? Why did crap like this always
come down to him?
"Not queer like that, Fraser -- he's queer, okay? He's... he's
gay, he's a fag, he's an ass bandit, he bats for the home
"What?" His face was so hot, so burning hot...
Fraser squinted at him. "You're telling me that Detective
Another deep breath, and something that had been wound
tight in his stomach slowly began to unravel. "Yeah. Whatever.
That's what I'm telling you."
Fraser nodded, looking scarily calm. "And that was
A suspicion dawned on him, prickling the back of his
neck. "Let me
guess -- you knew that already, right? Something about his smell or
the way he holds his fork or something--"
At least that got him a smile. "No, Ray, I wasn't aware
of that fact
about Detective Darnell. As far as I can determine he handles a fork
in a perfectly ordinary way, and he smells just fine--"
"Fraser, I did not need to know that --"
"But what puzzles me is why you felt moved to inform
me of this...
aspect of Detective Darnell's lifestyle."
Ray shifted in the chair before his butt went totally
don't know why."
"No, I must say that I don't."
Just when he thought the hard part was over. Jesus.
"Well, isn't it
obvious? I mean, the guy asked you to lunch, Fraser--"
"Yes he did, Ray; and it was very kind of him to do
so, since you
were otherwise occupied. I think, in fact, that you'd enjoy that
restaurant very much--"
For a guy who told the truth so damn much, there was
nobody to hold
a candle to him when it came to evasion, that was for sure. Ray's
hands twisted in his lap. Hands on hold, temper on hold, check.
"You don't get it, do you? I mean, the guy wasn't just
asking you to
lunch, he was asking you to lunch, okay?"
Fraser was back to squinting. "Are you saying that
had motives... other than simply sharing a meal with me?"
"If you mean am I saying Darnell wants to play hide
bacon, then yeah, I am."
Fraser looked lost. "Hide the... could you elucidate, Ray?"
It occurred to him in one wild and desperate moment
that he could
just pick up the nearest huge hardback book and whack Fraser over
the head with it. It might not help get his point across, but it
would certainly make him feel a hell of a lot better.
"Let's leave the bacon out of it for now, okay, Fraser?
What I mean
is that it wasn't lunch like two-guys-at-lunch, it was lunch like
"Ah. I see." Fraser nodded and smiled, and then abruptly
"No I don't. Why on earth would Detective Darnell want to get into
my longjohns, Ray? For one thing, he's six inches taller than
myself, and furthermore--"
He slammed up to his feet before he even knew he was
going to do it.
"For God's sake, Fraser, nobody can be this frigging clueless --
Darnell asked you to lunch because he's hot for you, because he
wants you, wants to screw you, have sex with you, do impure things
with you or however the hell you Canadians put it -- he wants your
ass, Fraser. Is that clear enough for you?"
And wouldn't you know it -- the guy was still calm.
perfectly clear. That's what I thought you were suggesting -- well,
without the profanity, of course. However, when you then raised the
topic of bacon and longjohns I became confused, and thought perhaps
I'd been mistaken."
He sat back down before his knees went out from under
him. "I hate
you sometimes, Fraser."
Fraser nodded, still looking calm. "I'm beginning to
And later, sipping a cup of some godawful tea that
insisted he take to 'calm his nerves': "So. You get it, then."
Fraser's eyes met his own over the edge of a ceramic
(surprise!) the Canadian flag emblazoned on it. "I do, Ray. I get
Finally. He felt the call of his bed, of his own dark
something that seemed almost to be pulling at his tired bones.
"Good. So watch your step, and I'll do what I can on my end to keep
Darnell away from you. You'll be fine."
Fraser's forehead was bunching up again. "Keep him
away from me? Is
that really necessary, Ray? I mean, if Detective Darnell were ever
to make any sort of... overture, I'm perfectly capable of telling
No bed. No rest. Not yet. God. "See? You don't get
it, Fraser. It's
not like... no, it's not that I think I have to defend your honor or
anything like that, it's just... well, people talk. You know."
"Don't start 'hm'ing me, Fraser. Look, the guy is obviously
Fraser's eyes cut over to the closed door at the side
of his room.
"Like, you know, he's open about it, he doesn't care
who knows about
his... queerness, or whatever. So, if you hang around with him,
buddy up to him, then people are going to talk. Now do you get it?"
"I believe so, Ray, but I'm curious -- did Detective
you that he was no longer inside his 'closet'?"
Ray made himself take another sip of tea. It tasted
or something. Probably was, but he shouldn't think about that right
now. "He didn't have to, Fraser. He propositioned you right in front
of me. That is not the act of a guy in the closet."
Fraser had that distant, private look that he got whenever
figured something out, but didn't feel like sharing it with the rest
of the world. Ray hated that look. "Right you are. Well, I believe
I understand everything now, Ray."
Those words were so welcome that all the lingering
to wash away on a wave of exhaustion. "Thank you, God." He yawned,
and felt a pop that went all the way down his spine. "I gotta go.
I'm out on my feet, here--"
"Would you like me to call you a cab?"
"No, no, I just need to get my car pointed in the right
and I'll get home fine. I just need sleep."
"Very well. I'll see you off, then."
He caught Fraser's formal wave in his rear-view mirror,
it without thought. Still calm -- the big idiot still looked calm.
For a case with this much leg-work already done, it
just didn't add
up. He had one dead guy, four people with opportunity, three
different people with motive, and two others who didn't seem to
relate to the case at all except that they had means and they were
nearby and the whole thing smelled like one of those old tuna fish
sandwiches out of the lunchroom. Not good.
It was an itch, a tease -- something he should be seeing
something he should be doing but hadn't. He was too close to it. Too
close to see. And of course, having Welsh breathe down his neck
about how the dead guy was an influential businessman and there were
people out there who wanted answers, dammit, didn't help things
Help. He needed help.
And so after working late he went to Fraser, because
if there was
one thing he could count on Fraser for it was to see things
differently, to get snagged by some detail that everybody else had
passed right over. Too bad he didn't have any lickable evidence to
bring with him.
He went to Fraser, but Fraser wasn't there. Of course.
Fraser was AWOL. Had been for a couple of weeks now.
somehow... not there. It wasn't all him. Ray'd been burning the
midnight oil some himself, off doing stuff when Fraser came to the
station, missing him by a few minutes, as he'd find out when he
asked Frannie if she'd seen him. They'd pass sometimes, in the hall,
and talk about the cases in shorthand over their shoulders as they
brushed by each other.
That wasn't so strange. Not really. But usually they'd
themselves in the car going somewhere, or getting something to eat,
or something. Some concentrated time they could talk about stuff,
get on the same page. He didn't know how much he'd counted on that
until wham he didn't have it anymore.
Benton Fraser, Missing in Action.
It didn't help that Welsh was riding his ass hard,
grace period he'd gotten in the Vecchio transition had expired and
now he was just another cop to harass. Days were passing under his
feet without him noticing much more than the fact that the take-out
cartons in his trashcan were piling up, and he always seemed to be
out of clean shirts.
It was fucking depressing.
The Consulate was locked up tight and shadowed in darkness,
after he let himself in with his credit card and made his slow way
down the black and silent hall to Fraser's room there was nothing,
nobody there, nobody at all which seemed just too weird all of a
sudden -- the Twilight Zone, Canadian style. He made sure to lock up
when he left.
He meant to go home after that, to sit down and spread
out all the
files and go over everything again and really look because he was
sure the answer was there, somewhere. He meant to go home but
somehow it didn't work out that way -- somehow, after he locked the
Consulate door and turned towards his car he just kept walking,
letting the case and Fraser and all of the details fill his mind.
He knew the facts. He knew Fraser. It seemed like those
should be easy to combine -- as if the space that Fraser occupied in
his mind could be slipped on like another pair of glasses, tinting
the world with Fraservision.
And yeah, okay, that was kinda scary, but there was
no point in
dwelling on it.
He considered one possibility after another -- about
the case, about
Fraser, about his current inability to really get a grip on either
one. When he came back to himself and looked up he found that he'd
walked about ten blocks from the Consulate, and was currently
standing in the middle of a bunch of freaks and hookers and dust-
heads; everybody everywhere looking to score, with one thing or
another. The street was alive. The people around him seemed somehow
to be more real than he was himself. He was one of them. He wasn't.
And all that strangeness was too much for one tired
detective to face, so he slipped into the nearest bar and blinked
until the outside neon had faded from his eyes. He bellied up. He
ordered a beer. He felt eyes on the back of his neck and turned, and
then he jerked upright almost fast enough to knock him off his stool
because those were known eyes, Fraser's eyes -- Fraser was here,
as if he'd collected himself from the stock of Ray's thoughts and
just taken shape, somehow.
Fraser at a table in the corner. Fraser in this... dive.
Ray blinked again and his vision widened, and when
that Fraser was seated at one of the crappy, tilting tables across
from Darnell, he drew in a deep and involuntary breath, sawdust
and beer and a faint hint of piss sucked right down deep and all the
way to the bottom of his lungs. Fraser and Darnell.
Fraser and Darnell.
He had no time to deal with it before Fraser was coming
him, looking surprised and pleased and a little too flushed to be
comfortable in that flannel shirt and leather jacket -- radiating
color and heat, and Ray drew in on himself without noticing, not
wanting to be touched. Thought Fraser might just burn him, if he
touched him now.
"Ray!" Fraser seemed to read him (as he usually did),
touch him. There was that, at least.
"I can't even begin to imagine how you found me. Perhaps
tracking skills are--"
"I wasn't looking for you, Fraser. I just wanted a beer."
Fraser nodded. "Serendipity, then. Would you like to
join us? The
corner is relatively quiet, more conducive to conversation--"
Too much. Too much. His face was hot, again, but it
embarrassment. Not at all. "What the hell do you think you're
His lips were numb. His hands were numb. "I thought
you were going
to stay away from Darnell."
Fraser seemed to be considering that. "Well, you see,
Ray, it was my
understanding that your objection to Detective Darnell was in
relation to people talking about my interactions with him. In light
of that, he suggested this place, which he said was an unlikely
locale for either off-duty police officers or Consulate employees --
although, given the fact that you're here, perhaps it might be
necessary to reconsider--"
"You're here with Darnell."
Fraser blinked, glanced at the corner table, and then
turned back to
him. "And Diefenbaker. But surely that's a rather simple deduction,
Ray, given that--"
"Darnell is gay." Was he going to lose it, here? Was
uncertainty in and of itself was maybe the scariest thing about it.
"You mentioned that before, Ray. I'm aware of that."
Ray took a deep breath. Cracked his knuckles. Two ways
to go here:
Reasonable or whup-ass. In this neighborhood, whup-ass would
probably charge up every freakazoid in a nine block radius, and
there was the Darnell thing to consider; he'd probably just love to
bring his six-foot-six down and squash some Kowalski...
"Thought we talked about this. It's not smart, Fraser,
it's not a
smart thing to do, hanging out with him."
Fraser shifted from one foot to the other, which usually
look like he'd settled down, but not this time. This time he just
looked off balance.
"I... enjoy his company," he finally said.
Christ. What did that mean? And did he really
want to know? No.
No, he really didn't want to know. What would a guy like Fraser see
in a guy like... unless he... Oh, man, talk about things he did
not want to know.
Maybe that wasn't it. Maybe Fraser was just... hanging
out. 'Cuz Ray
was busy all the time. Maybe he just wanted somebody who'd go at the
drop of a Stetson, somebody who wouldn't blow off his stories.
Maybe Fraser was just... lonely.
Ray shook himself. Okay, okay. That was the one he'd
go with. Made
sense, he could wrap his brain around that. Wasn't like Fraser had a
ton of people in his life, and most of them were even weirder than
he was. He for sure knew how that felt, being lonely. He missed
Stella. A lot. Like getting his right arm chopped off, was how that
He sniffed. "Look, Fraser," he said, leaning over so
he didn't have
to say it too loud. "I've been out of it, snowed under. Sorry I
haven't been around as much."
Fraser just blinked at him.
Okay, if at first you don't succeed, repeat yourself.
"I been just plowed with work, Welsh is like... he's
this slavedriver, all of a sudden. I'm... sorry."
Damn if Fraser didn't take that exact moment to look
shoulder, smile at Darnell.
Smiled at the fucker. There he sat, in that crappy
apologizing to him, when Fraser was the one... he was the one...
"Ray, your duty comes first, I understand that," Fraser said.
No, he didn't understand. He didn't get it at all.
"What're you doing, Fraser?"
"I told you, Charlie thought this might be a good--"
"There is nothing good about this, Fraser."
Stalemate. Two guys at a bar, not looking, not talking.
that Ray could feel the heat coming off him, could hear his leather
jacket squeak when he shifted again, shifting farther away.
"Perhaps if you got to know him a little better," Fraser said.
Ray smiled. It felt like a smile, but usually Fraser
didn't back up
a step when he smiled at him.
"Uh, no, that's okay," he said.
"Ray," Fraser said, then stopped. Then started again.
there's nothing... improper about my friendship with Charlie."
Didn't look like friendship from here. Not in a place
like this, off
in a corner, quiet, the kind of place people went to...
"Doesn't matter what it is, Fraser. Matters what it looks like."
"What does it look like?"
Nobody was that dense. Fraser had to be trying
to piss him off.
Trying to push him away. In his own evasive, round-the-corner way,
Fraser was telling him to mind his own business. Which probably
meant Fraser had some business of his own he was minding.
Which maybe, just possibly, awww Christ, probably meant...
The beer he'd drunk soured in his stomach. He pushed
closer to, then away from Fraser, clenching his teeth against what
he wanted to say, but wouldn't, couldn't. Not without risking...
what? What was he risking?
He pictured day after day of paperwork, Huey and Dewey,
his shoulder, with no Fraser to break up the day, no wolf mooching
out of his snack drawer. Yeah, that was worth keeping his mouth shut
for. What else could he say? He'd said it all already. Dumb lug
didn't want to hear it. Or heard it and didn't care.
That much was pretty damn clear. Fraser didn't care.
His legs were numb when he stood, his fingers numb
when he fished in
his pockets for a few bills to throw on the bar, and when he walked
he felt like he was stumbling, but he knew he wasn't.
But inside, everything inside -- that wasn't numb.
That wasn't numb at all.
Just how lonely would a guy have to be to do... that?
That jaw-dropping night in the piss place turned out
to be an
example of a good day between them. They turned sour, like the
milk in his fridge when he didn't pay attention. They still
partnered up, still talked about cases, clues, hunches and evidence,
but everything felt tilted, off. Felt like they were speaking two
different languages, more than it usually did; like they could talk
police work fine, but the minute it turned even halfway personal,
Fraser clammed right up.
Didn't seem to matter what Ray tried; nothing helped.
the Bennetti case hadn't done the trick. A whole month they'd spent
on that damn case, once it got past the climbing in dumpsters stage,
and they'd done it. Nailed the sucker.
He'd spent the past two hours crawling through the
up enough from the bust not to even mind doing it, almost hyped
enough not to notice that it wasn't his desk Fraser was hanging
around while he did it.
A flash of red caught his eye as he finished the last
line of the
last page. He closed the folder with a thump of satisfaction and
squinted up at Fraser. "Pizza or Chinese?" Taking it for granted,
assuming that things would go the way he needed them to -- a trick
to keep the desperation out of his voice. Learned, but maybe too
late to do him any good.
At least he'd managed to make Fraser look uncomfortable.
see, Ray, I'm afraid... that is, as much as I appreciate the
invitation, I've already made plans for the evening--"
He felt a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth,
and he let it
stay there. "We just wrapped a case, Fraser."
"I'm aware of that, Ray."
"And after we wrap a case, we go out for dinner --
tradition. If we don't do it we might be messing with our streak,
right?" Everything in him was cool and calm. Fraser would hear this,
would respond to it. He'd have to. But no. Fraser was shaking his
head, his face tight with that puckered-up-lemon look that he got
when he was about to disappoint somebody. So either he didn't know
Fraser as well as he thought he did, or Fraser just... really didn't
want to be around him. Or just really wanted to be around someone
If he'd been hungry before, he wasn't anymore, not
when he heard
that tone in Fraser's voice, that one that wasn't as apologetic as
Ray wanted it to be, that one that was pretty damn determined: "I'm
sorry, Ray. Perhaps another time."
There was more to be said, he knew that. Maybe he didn't
as well as he thought he did, but he knew enough to keep the
pressure on, to take away one option at a time until Fraser had to
talk to him. Tell him the truth.
Problem was, he thought he already knew what Fraser
had to say, and
he didn't want to hear it. He couldn't hang himself out to dry like
that, couldn't put the both of them through it.
So, when Fraser nodded at him and gave him that fake
walked away from his desk calling for Dief, he said nothing. He just
Tasting something bitter.
He hated kidnappings.
Especially kid kidnappings.
Give him a good old murder, bad blood, drug deal gone
wrong -- at
least everything was known, and the worst had already happened, and
all he had to make sure of was that the right person went away for
it. There wasn't this minute-to-minute pressure, there weren't any
panicked, question-question-crying-question relatives to deal with,
there wasn't this dark, terrible, relentless kind of hope that kept
everybody jittering and jiving on the edge until the deal went down
and you got (more often than not) a point-blank failure on your
hands, shunting you right back to good old murder territory.
And some sad, broken little body that he couldn't,
So there he was at his desk, the third day in a row
hour shifts, still waiting for something to break while his vision
went grainy and unreal, a picture of a smiling little girl with
brown braids holding a brown mutt squeezed tight in his left hand,
pulling his eyes back to it every few seconds even though he really,
really didn't want to look at it anymore.
Ray closed his eyes -- just for a moment, just to let
the case roll
through him one more time, fact after fact that should piece
together if he could only fit it all in, track down that one thread,
any one thing that he might have missed...
He jerked up in his chair, ready in a split second
to say no, he
wasn't sleeping, no way was he sleeping--
But it wasn't just Fraser. Fraser had gone to get him
a sandwich and
had been gone a long time, but here he was again with no sandwich in
sight, nothing but his hat in his hands and Darnell smiling from
over his shoulder.
Both of them smiling. Ray's jaw ached.
"Charlie and I were talking about the case on the way
lunchroom. When he interviewed Mr. Collins, there was a receipt for
a harbor berth on his desk, and when he mentioned that, I remembered
the traces of diesel fuel that were found at the abduction site--"
This was... awfully tough to follow in his current
going ninety miles a minute with his eyes lit up like a pinball
game. Ray blinked and waved one hand, the one with the picture in
it, and that bright, smiling face caught his eye, and then he
"She's on a boat." Certainty there, something he felt
all the way
down to the pit of his stomach.
"She's on a boat." Echoing him, confirming him. In
stereo. From both
Fraser and Darnell.
"Let's go." Extra ammo, spare handcuffs, one arm in
his jacket, and
then he headed as fast as he could for the door, totally wide-awake
now, totally focused on the job.
At least for now.
And for once, for once there was a happy ending all
around -- a
terrified but unhurt little girl returned to her parents, a clean
bust that was pretty much locked down tight for any jury that wasn't
completely blind, and no shots fired on either side. Less paperwork.
A happy ending for everybody. Except the kidnappers. Right.
"What?" Oh, he had to get some sleep soon -- the sun
was going down
behind him in a wash of pinkish light, and between that and the red
suit Fraser looked like he was glowing, like someone had built
themselves a neon Mountie and installed it down in the middle of the
funky wood shacks of the harbor. Crazy.
"I know you haven't eaten." Fraser sounded slightly
which was stupid -- like he was going to blame Fraser for forgetting
his sandwich when he'd solved the damn case? The reminder, however,
made his stomach growl as the case started to slip away and his life
started to slip back; he hadn't eaten, no, not since... well, not
for a long time.
"No." The word felt heavy with exhaustion as it dropped
lips, and everything seemed suddenly very clear, what he had to do -
- thank Fraser, and go with him to find at least five pounds of food
and eat it, and then sleep for a week. Simple. He could do that.
That would be good.
"Charlie says there's a good Italian restaurant nearby.
like to join us?"
And he was so far, far out of it that nothing was happening
like it was time for him to blow up now and fill Fraser in on
exactly who his partner was, make it really clear and spell it all
out so that there wouldn't be any question about it, so that there
wouldn't be any mistakes. His hands twitched, curling up, grabbing
for something but he didn't know what. His stomach growled again, so
empty, so very empty...
"I'm not hungry," was what he said. Just that. Fraser
looked at him,
studied him, concerned and serious. When Fraser took a step towards
him something tightened in all of his muscles, and he was so tired,
but not tired enough to do something stupid, so he turned around and
headed for his car.
Where his traitor hands could wrap around nothing more
than a steering wheel, which he clung to all the way home, holding
on, holding on, holding on tight.
It occurred to him as he was driving home that he should
learned by now that desperation was about the worst enemy he could
have. After all, he'd had lots of chances to pick up on that. To
figure it out. To take it on, somehow, to take it inside him and
make it a learned thing, right up there with keep your head low when
the heat's on and don't back down when the other guy is running
scared. A survival skill. Something automatic that he did when there
was a threat to be dealt with.
He should have known better, is what it came down to.
He should have known better, after all these weeks
of Fraser being
there and not there, with him but withdrawn. And there was really
nothing to say so he'd just kept waiting for Fraser to get over it,
knowing that he was too quiet himself, knowing, and not having a
single frigging clue what to do about it.
Well, he could've talked about it, he supposed, or
maybe screamed or
something; punched something -- but every time he'd thought he was
working up to it he backed down, backed into himself, into more
So much silence.
He knew that he was getting desperate, that somewhere
were breaking down and wearing out -- damage, we got damage here,
with too much quiet outside and too much noise inside. Too much.
Which now called for too much beer, since the numbing
that other night had worked so good -- if a little was good, a lot
had to be better -- so instead of subjecting himself to Fraser and
Darnell and food that he'd probably puke up later anyway, he had an
endless evening of slow poison that he kept to his apartment, since
he didn't know what kind of hell he might trip himself into if he
Way too much beer. He sat and scratched his
neck in an
unsuccessful attempt to ease his dry throat, and drank, and craved
cigarettes. About a thousand of them, one right after the other.
Something hard and harsh -- and that's what led him to the bottle of
hard stuff he kept in the back of the cupboard for extreme
emergencies, and that's when everything started slipping down and
away in some out-of-control funhouse mirror ripple. He couldn't,
couldn't open his eyes. He couldn't look. He could get the glass to
his mouth without looking. That was enough.
A black, lost place, then, and then the next thing
was a door --
familiar, and there was something about it that was awful and
exciting at the same time. The moment that the door opened and he
caught a glimpse of Stella's face it crashed into him, everything
terrible and threatening and the true distance between how he lived
and what he needed, and horribly, horribly he said some of that,
bleated it out while he sagged against Stella's doorjamb. Said some,
he didn't know how much. The word 'please' was in there somewhere,
he was dead sure of that-- more than once, even. For a moment he
thought about punching himself, just to see if it would stop his
But he didn't, and whatever it was that he said, it
was either too
much or not enough. Or just too late. Probably too late. Stella was
late -- getting ready to go out, smooth and lotioned and made up in
a pretty peach camisole and robe that he remembered, remembered how
the silk of it was nothing compared to her skin, remembered how it
slid-slithered off her, when the time was right. And yes, he
understood that she didn't have time for this, that she was running
late. She always was. But... she was always worth waiting for. He
remembered that, too.
He could only hope that the prick of an attorney that
gearing up for felt that way. That he knew what he was getting a
And now, on the other end of another one of those weird,
kaleidoscope blacknesses, there was a card in his shaking hand and
the sound of his own breath much too loud in his ears -- did he run?
Was he running, now -- to or from? No way to tell.
He must have been clumsy with the card. Either that,
or he'd been
out here a lot longer than he thought, because all of a sudden the
Consulate door gave way and he was falling forward, pitching forward
for one dizzy second before Fraser caught him, scooped him neatly
For lack of any better idea, he held on. "Fraserrrr..."
have been sleeping -- even through his clogged-up sinuses he could
smell that, something warm and concentrated and subtle that told him
that Fraser had just dragged himself out of bed to come prop up his
drunk, sorry ass. That made his eyes sting, a last bit of awfulness
just to make the experience complete.
"Oh, dear." Ray could feel the vibration of the words
chest pressed against his own. It tingled. "Ray, you're cold."
He couldn't argue with that, because the lingering
warmth of the
alcohol had been iced out of him long ago, and now his teeth were
chattering and he was shivering and he realized that he'd left his
apartment without a jacket and oh God what the fuck had he said to
"Stella," he croaked, and winced at the alcoholic longing
in his own
"Um... no. It's me, Ray." Fraser seemed to be trying
to push him
away by the shoulders, and Ray had a sneaking suspicion that Fraser
wanted to look at his face so he held tighter, buried his face
against a red thermal cotton-covered arm.
"I know it's you -- I know you're Fraser, Fraser. I
mean I went to
Stella, I talked to Stella, I told her..." Oh, and he was going to
be saying it all over again, if he wasn't careful. The room was
spinning, but Fraser was still holding him up and it was very dark,
or maybe he just had his eyes closed, but at least it was dark for
him, so that seemed to make it okay.
And Fraser seemed to be dealing with all of this pretty
considering, so Ray took a deep breath and continued. "Where've you
been? You're never there anymore."
Fraser shifted him slightly, steadying him against
"Ray, I've been at the station every day --"
"Not the work, me."
The muscles under his hands might have stiffened up
a bit at that,
but he couldn't be completely sure he'd felt it. "I'm... sorry,
Just the fact that there was no argument, no pissing
the literal meaning of each and every word seemed like a miracle,
like some huge obstacle had just evaporated out of his way like
magic. "Yeah. Me too, I guess."
Saying the words lifted some unsuspected weight off
him, and he was
light now but not so dizzy, not much of anything really except
closed-eyed and comfortable in Fraser's arms. He heard himself make
some kind of weird rumbling noise, but at least he wasn't blurting
out a bunch of nonsense about how much he sucked, so that was okay.
His stomach growled. Should probably have eaten something,
thought distantly. Maybe gone to sleep instead of wandering around
the city looking for lost people. Lost. Like the little girl. Well,
they'd found her. Who was lost? He didn't even know anymore. He'd
thought Stella, and Fraser for sure, but they weren't the ones
sweating out whisky, or saying crazy stuff that shouldn't ever come
off the tip of a tongue. Maybe he was the only one lost. Maybe it
was just him.
"Am I lost?" Well, fuck. If he wasn't before, he seemed
to be doing
his level best to get himself there. Lost and stupid and crazy
fucking drunk, fastened onto a Mountie in the foyer of the Canadian
Consulate -- This Is Your Life, Ray Kowalski...
This Is Not Your Life.
"Ray," Fraser began-- but he didn't get to hear about
whether or not
Fraser thought he was lost because all of a sudden everything closed
down around him at once, like some kind of disaster that he'd been
fending off only now he couldn't fight anymore, because it was too
heavy to carry. His hands curled into fists, clenched tight into
soft cotton, feeling the solid heft of Fraser's chest underneath;
strength and stability that he needed and needed so fucking badly,
and it had been denied to him--
"Fraser--" Fraser. Fraser was at the end of it, at
and at every single point along the way. Even when he wasn't there.
Not there. Unbelievable, the pain of that, the coldness.
Cold to his
bones, but Fraser was hot, and suddenly he had to know if Fraser
would give him that heat when he needed it, he had to know, and
the only way to find out was to just reach out and take it.
Fraser's cheeks were warm enough to burn his icy hands.
and moved in closer, willing to burn, burning already from a spark
of his own deep inside -- the fury of knowing what he'd driven
himself to; that he couldn't bear the thought of Fraser keeping
himself to himself anymore, of Fraser keeping his mouth to
... Or even worse, the thought that he might be keeping
His partner. Fraser was his partner. His.
Hot, soft lips. Open to him. Open, with a miraculous
jolt that shut
out everything except the terrible, pounding sweetness of his heart
in his mouth, everything except the unspoken mournful noise that
flamed from his throat and then was burnt out, doused by the tip of
Fraser's tongue. Tears sprang to his eyes, escaped, like everything
else he desperately needed to keep, now slipping away from him. He
shivered, disconnected and trembling. Wondered how a kiss -- was it
a kiss? this groping of his mouth to Fraser's? -- could make him
feel like he'd pierced a vital organ, like he was bleeding.
And he expected, somehow, that Fraser would put a stop
Fraser would have to. Fraser wouldn't let him, any more than Fraser
would let him die gut-shot in some dirty back alley -- a soothing
thought, that Fraser would stop this, that Fraser wouldn't let him
Except Fraser didn't stop it. Fraser let him
do this, held him up,
opened to him in a way that reached right down inside and made a
mess of everything. Fraser let him, kissed him, tasted him, and slid
their tongues together with a deep sigh that knew nothing about the
fact that this was killing him, that he was killing them, that he
had done something to bring them to the end of things, to the truth
of things, here.
"Ray," Fraser said against his newly wet, newly warm
lips. Such a
dark and unexpected word, spoken like that. Like pain. Fraser,
saying 'pain' in a language he wasn't supposed to understand.
He pulled back without conscious thought. He almost
just kept going,
right over backwards and onto the glaringly clean floor of the foyer
-- would have, if Fraser hadn't caught him by one arm.
In the wordless, harsh-breathing dimness that followed,
eyes looked unusually deep -- dangerously vulnerable hollows that he
would have liked to trace just lightly with the tip of one finger,
if he could have trusted his own hands not to betray him.
"It's all right." Strange, to hear Fraser's calm voice
a stupendous lie.
"It's not." His own voice didn't sound strong
enough, nowhere near
as strong as he needed it to be, but maybe he sounded upset enough
to make up for it. He hoped.
And he thought that Fraser would probably argue with
him about it,
but Fraser didn't. Warm, gentle hands propelled him, and before he
knew it he was sitting on one of the padded chairs at the front
desk, and Fraser was staring at him, an intense, serious look that
he could only take for a second or two before he had to look
somewhere else. Anywhere else. He swallowed.
Fraser cleared his throat. "I'll call you a cab."
He looked up in time to see Fraser fade into the shadows
of the hallway, and maybe he could have said something, maybe he
should have said something, but really it was pretty clear that
he'd be better off if he just kept his mouth shut.
That seemed like the first good idea he'd had in a
long, long time,
so he decided to go with it.
And he did. He kept his mouth shut when Fraser returned,
told him that the cab would be there soon, while Fraser waited with
him. He even managed to keep it shut when Fraser walked him to the
cab and said good-night to him-- calmly, as if everything was
okay, as if Fraser really believed that. He could have said... but
Ray sat, twisted queasily in the back seat of the cab,
and stared at
Fraser until darkness and distance left him nothing more to look at.
Remember the Alamo? All those hearts buried at Wounded
Pickett's Charge? None of them got to be household names by winning.
In every war, somebody lost. Somebody won, too, and that made it
into the history books more often, but every once in a while, the
losers got a page for themselves.
Ray had raised the white flag after... well, what the
happened? Fortunately, the exact details were a little hazy, blurred
by too much booze, too little sleep, too little food. He didn't
suppose they were blurry for Fraser, but every time his mind
wandered down that road, he yanked it back, hard. Couldn't think
about Fraser, what he might say if Ray ever managed to have a minute
alone with him ever again in his whole life.
Hadn't happened yet. They were going on four days now,
would be four
days exactly sometime around midnight, near as he could tell. Four
days ago, he'd found out just how lonely a guy'd have to be to do...
that. Well, something like that anyway. He'd probably have done
that, too, if Fraser hadn't stopped him, propped him up, called
him a cab.
Nothing like finding out what your limits were. Or
that you didn't
("Hi, I'm Ray. No last names, please, it's too fucking
just flushed my partnership down the john. It's been four days since
my last... ")
He'd blown it. Blown it big time. Blown it to Kingdom
beyond, probably. And Fraser, what was up with him? Fraser hadn't
exactly helped snuff out the fuse. Ray vaguely understood his own
crappy reasons, but what was Fraser's excuse? Rigor mortis? Cat got
The whole thing -- half-remembered, half-suppressed
-- felt like
something that had happened to somebody else. Some other desperate,
unhappy person with no sense whatsoever. No survival skills.
Some other loser.
So he did the only sensible thing. The only thing he
could do when
something was that badly blown, when the stakes were high and the
walls were down and really, the option of moving to someplace like
Madison and starting over -- without the Mountie, without the crap -
- was starting to sound like a damn good idea, well, the only thing
left to do was follow one of those old adages, one of those history
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Which was how he found himself on day five at an Italian
sitting across the booth from Fraser. And Darnell.
Because the only thing worse than remembering what
he'd done to
Fraser was wondering what Darnell was doing to him.
Wondering. Picturing. Imagining. The whole thing was
nuts. He was there, his insides still scabbed over from the shock of
Fraser's mouth on his own -- was it really as hot as he remembered?
as wet? -- and it was all he could do not to lean across the table,
see if Darnell had his hand on Fraser's thigh.
It took most of the meal for him to get himself to
eat more than a
bite of this, a taste of that. Across from him, Fraser and Darnell
ate like the big meaty guys they were, tossing back lasagne and
garlic bread like they had hollow legs to fill.
Maybe it was the food, the first real solid meal he'd
had in a long,
long time. Maybe it was the relief of spending more than five
minutes in Fraser's company. Whatever, some things started to come
into focus. Like the fact that Darnell and Fraser were two peas in a
pod. They talked about the same weird things, laughed at the same
stupid stuff. Ray had never seen Fraser laugh so much, and he hated
that Darnell could make him do that, make him laugh so hard he
turned red and wiped tears out of his eyes with the corner of his
napkin. Oh yeah, it was all pretty clear from here.
That wasn't the worst of it, though. No, the worst
of it was the
fact that, damn his East Coast ass, Darnell seemed like an okay guy.
Funny, smart, and if you didn't know he was queer as a three-dollar
bill, well, you'd never know it to look at him, hear him.
He did know. And so he could see. Little things, mostly.
Darnell licked at his own lip to tell Fraser he'd missed some sauce,
staring at Fraser's mouth the same way he'd stared at his plate when
it was brought to the table. The way he'd slid in the booth beside
Fraser automatically, when everybody knew the guys who were partners
should have been seat-sharing, and the other guy should've been
across the way.
Darnell he could read like a book.
So maybe Fraser was right. Maybe there wasn't anything...
Victorian word had he used? Improper, right. Maybe there wasn't
anything improper going on. Yet. Wasn't because Darnell was funny
and smart and not interested. Oh, no. Darnell was interested; he was
just biding his time, that was all. Darnell was plenty interested.
Every time Fraser laughed or even smiled at one of his damn jokes,
Darnell's eyes went wide with appreciation, sucking it up --
something Ray saw only through the narrowest squint he could manage.
They split the bill, like always, and Ray and Darnell
hit the can
while Fraser paid.
Okay, it was weird to whip it out in front of the guy.
ever really been bladder shy, but he found himself sheltering his
dick with his hand while he used the urinal, found himself staring
steadfastly ahead, so Darnell wouldn't think... wouldn't wonder...
Well, he just wasn't going there.
But since it was the first chance they'd had to talk
alone, ever, he
figured he'd better use it. Use it or lose it, wasn't that the way
So he shook himself off, tucked himself back in his
jeans, and went
to the row of sinks. He waited for Darnell to join him, then caught
his eye in the mirror.
"I know what you're doing," he said. Something deep
stomach turned over, and he didn't think it was the half a piece of
Darnell raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"
"You think I was born yesterday? I know what you're
He watched as Darnell deliberately soaped his hands,
wiped them dry on a paper towel. Ray shook his own hands twice, then
rubbed them on his pants.
Darnell didn't say anything, just walked around Ray
to the door and
opened it, gesturing Ray to go ahead of him. As Ray passed him, he
said, "Wish I knew what you were doing."
Heat crawled up Ray's neck, spread to his face. He
half a glimpse at the grin on Darnell's face and muttered, "Yeah,
The problem was, there was no way in hell to prepare
for this kind
of thing. No amount of gearing up, setting his jaw, or daydreaming
about worst-case scenarios was really worth a fart in a high wind
when it came to dealing with... this kind of stuff. The kind of
stuff he hated. The kind of stuff that made him feel like maybe it
might be a good idea to whap his head against a wall for an hour or
two so that he'd have something else to think about besides... this
kind of stuff.
This Fraser kind of stuff. This haven't-talked-about-dick,
do-I-do-now kind of stuff. There was no way around it -- Darnell
had pulled the first shift, and he himself had second shift, and it
seemed a purely sure fact that it was a better idea to suffer
through eight uncomfortable, Fraser-filled hours in the unmarked
than it would have been to have spent the previous eight hours
wondering what kind of shenanigans Darnell could wheedle Fraser
If he hadn't called dibs on Fraser, Darnell would have.
of course, drove a van. A big, black, 'ain't-I-macho' van. So there
was no way around it, no choice at all, really, when he thought
about it. Like he'd been thinking about it. All day.
Ray shifted in the driver's seat for the third time
in ten minutes.
"Fraser, can you maybe stop that before I have to beat your head
against the dashboard?"
He felt Fraser's eyes on him, but never looked away
from the closed
warehouse door at the end of the alley where they were parked. At
least he had something he was supposed to be staring at. "Stop what,
"Stop that whatever the hell it is you're doing that's
There was a pause, and for the first time he wondered
really could be an end to Fraser's patience. "I was simply examining
my cuticles, Ray."
Probably not. "That's great, Fraser -- God knows I
don't want you to
have to bust up a smuggling ring with your cuticles looking less
than prime -- but since Welsh said something to me about a stakeout
and didn't mention anything about setting up a friggin' manicure
"Enough, Ray." Oooh, that was almost testy. "I understand
objections. I'll stop."
"Way to be a crime-fightin' machine, Fraser."
From the corner of his eye he saw Fraser's lips press
wondered if maybe he should angle for one more jab. But then it
occurred to him that they were still working through the second hour
of an eight-hour shift, and maybe he should save something back for
when he really needed it, like in case Fraser decided to try to talk
to him about... any of that stuff he didn't want to talk about.
An hour later, he was almost ready to hope that Fraser
to talk to him -- after he'd snapped at Fraser for drumming his
fingers on his hat, pulling at stray threads on his uniform, and
breathing too loudly, now it was a lot like sitting in the car with
a corpse -- somebody's stuffed and mounted Mountie, which was kinda
funny unless you had to be there, listening to the silence and
checking out of the corner of your eye to make sure that Fraser's
chest was still moving.
For his own part, he couldn't seem to keep still --
it seemed like
every few minutes he developed another weird itch somewhere, or one
of his legs would go numb and then he'd shift and have to sit
through the pins-and-needles without saying anything -- and for some
weird reason he remembered his fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Crater,
calling him 'ants-in-his-pants Kowalski' in front of the whole class
and how much he'd hated that, and how much he just couldn't help it,
just like he couldn't help it now.
"Fraser." He didn't know he meant to say anything,
but there was
pressure inside him that just seemed to want to let itself out in
all kinds of bizarre ways.
Spur-of-the-moment quick, and he had to say something
or else look
like a total idiot--
"Your wolf is licking his balls in my backseat again."
Lame, Kowalski, very lame. Way to go. Way to avoid
looking like an
"Ray." That was testy. That was beyond testy.
All of a sudden his
heart sped up -- apparently there were limits to Fraser's patience,
and it looked like he'd just found them. "What is wrong with you?"
"Me?" He faced Fraser squarely, and let the warehouse
door fend for
itself for now. "What's wrong with me? That's... that's really
rich, Fraser; that's a real prizewinner--"
"Yes, you, Ray; I'm asking what's wrong with
you. If you didn't
want me to accompany you, it would have been very simple to--"
"To what?" Their voices in the closed car seemed
after the long silence, but he couldn't help it. "To hand you over
to Darnell so he could paw all over you in that 'if-the-van's-a-
rockin'-don't-come-knockin' ride he's got?"
Oh, that was much more than he'd meant to say, that
hadn't been what
he'd meant to say at all, but it felt like there was steam coming
out of his ears, here, and there must have been a part of him that
wanted to do this, that wanted to send everything to hell...
The sun had gone down about an hour before, but there
enough light to see the traces of red in Fraser's cheeks. Every
other sign of anger had vanished, however, and now Fraser just
looked... curious. Like he was trying to figure something out. It
made Ray's stomach flutter like crazy, and it took all his willpower
not to press his hands there to make it stop.
"Ray, you sound... jealous." Fraser didn't sound testy anymore.
That was okay -- he himself was plenty testy enough
for both of
"Are you out of your mind?" He shifted sideways, facing
his shoulders hard against the car door, something firm at his back,
something solid that he could count on, and crooked one leg up on
the seat. The move twisted him all up, but even that just seemed
like how things should be, everything twisted, nothing comfortable.
"I'm trying to help you out, trying to keep you from eight hours of
having some musclebound guy practice his body cavity search
techniques on you, and you think I'm jealous? That's nuts,
Fraser blinked at him slowly, then nodded. "You are jealous."
He blinked back. "I am not."
Fraser, the bastard, actually smiled a little. "Oh,
I believe you
He felt filled, brimming right up to the top with the
kind of anger
that could get out of hand if he wasn't careful, if he didn't watch
his mouth. He should stop. Just stop now, and shut up, and shut
Fraser up double-quick if he said another goddamn word. Pop him one,
that'd shut him up, or he could... no, no, he couldn't even think
it. He should just stop. Now. A friendly piece of advice there from
whoever was running the internal pressure-cooker... but the dark,
tight feeling deep in his gut told him that it was already too late,
much too late.
"Yeah? Well, you got your beliefs and I got mine, but
late-breaking news for you: there's no Santa Claus, Elvis is really
dead, and I am not jealous of friggin' Charlie Darnell."
Fraser was still staring at him like he was the most
thing since the wrong kind of mud at a crime scene. Ray dug his
fingers in hard -- one hand into the leather back of the seat, the
other hand into his denim-covered knee, braced and sure and certain
that he could deal with this, that he wasn't about to do anything
stupid. More stupid.
"Perhaps not," Fraser said abruptly, and then it was
freefall, like pushing against something harder and harder and
harder that suddenly gave, spinning out weightless and wondering
what to do with all that excess energy until Fraser continued:
"Perhaps you're simply afraid."
Ray's stomach clenched painfully with one final, jarring
his throat slammed shut so quickly that he had to swallow to avoid
choking. He slouched low against the door, tense and trapped in his
body again -- freefall over, kiddies, everybody out. He wondered for
a moment how he managed to get himself into messes like this -- how
he could start out knowing exactly where he didn't want to go, and
then go there anyway like someone had given him a frigging map. Like
he had some kind of homing instinct for disaster.
"Like hell," he managed, but it was hard to talk past
in his throat, hard to find words that didn't have to stay locked in
the grim, pounding space between his temples.
And the only thing that could be worse than Fraser
was Fraser looking understanding, like he had a grip on the whole
picture and wasn't assigning blame anywhere. The way he was looking
now. "There's no need to be ashamed of feeling fear, Ray; it's a
perfectly natural response to--"
"I'm really hating you right now, Fraser," he felt
and panicked but he just couldn't stop it -- he was uncoiling,
coming out of his crouch like a snake who just caught sight of a
tasty leg. "This is one of those times when I just really, really
Words weren't enough; it wasn't enough to spit it out
and get it
over with. Saying it wasn't enough, so he reached out and got a
handful of Fraser's short, thick hair, sinking his fingers in and
pulling while he leaned forward himself so he could meet Fraser
halfway and show him what was what, prove that he wasn't afraid,
prove that he must hate Fraser because he certainly didn't have
Fraser's best interests at heart, or else he wouldn't be doing...
He licked his way into Fraser's mouth like he owned
the place, and
Fraser's hair tugged at his fingers -- he thought maybe Fraser was
trying to pull away, and he was about to go for a better grip, but
no. Fraser was just tilting, Fraser was going for a deeper, closer
angle; Fraser was letting him, just like he let him before, and
God that burned his ass so bad because Fraser shouldn't, shouldn't
be doing this, neither of them should, they should not be sitting
here on stakeout with their tongues tangled together like a couple
of kids fucked up on beer and hormones.
No beer, not this time. He didn't even have that pathetic
beer, but plenty of hormones because the deeper he got into Fraser's
wet mouth the more he wanted to just stay there, the more he lost
control of his body until he was practically squirming on the seat,
his hips and his hard-on pushing up into nothing but air.
From far away, he heard Fraser pull in a deep, deep
his nose. Some instinct told him that it wasn't because Fraser was
half-stifled with his tongue but because Fraser was smelling it on
him, smelling the truth coming out of his pores like sweat. And he
thought that might be enough, that maybe he'd proved his point, so
finally he let go, let Fraser have his hair back and his air back
and his smooth, warm mouth back and then he crammed himself against
the door again and tried to pretend that he wasn't shaking.
Fraser was shaking. Ray really couldn't blame
him -- must be scary
as hell, almost getting eaten alive by your partner. Fraser was
shaking and wide-eyed and looked a hell of a lot less certain about
the world, which was just fine and dandy. Which was, in fact, just
"It's all right, it's okay," Fraser said softly, and
right away the
bottom dropped out of his stomach, because he'd practically
excavated Fraser's tonsils and here Fraser was telling him that it
was okay, like what he'd just done was... okay. Telling him? Or
himself? Did it matter?
"It's not." God, hadn't they been through this
chorus, same song, but none of it was okay. He knew that, knew it
in an all-the-way down, rock-bottom sure kind of way, but apparently
Fraser didn't. And that meant that they weren't done yet. His breath
caught and he held himself still, because if he let himself move he
was going to curl up around the hot throb of want that was his dick
under the influence of thinking about not being done with Fraser
Ray took a breath, and forced himself to stretch out
out. His hand moved all on its own and got involved with Fraser's
hair again, but this time he stayed where he was and brought Fraser
to him, pulling back until he was caught between the cold weight of
the door and the hot weight of Fraser.
"Not okay," he whispered against Fraser's still-moist
lips, and he
didn't think Fraser heard him at all until the sound of soft
breathing was cut across with the loud, purring sound his zipper
made as he yanked it down, and then he gasped in relief and Fraser
gasped in something else and Fraser still didn't pull away,
still didn't get it.
Fierce fumbling through his briefs and then he had
himself in hand
and had to moan, and he couldn't give up Fraser's lips so that's
where he moaned into and Fraser shivered, sighing back at him, just
a sound, nothing that sounded like 'stop', so he just licked a wet
trail along Fraser's bottom lip, and whispered: "Suck me. Slow."
Movement, something silent but it seemed to have some
weird kind of
harmony anyway -- the way Fraser's head went down while his own
tilted back, point and counterpoint, and he felt everything, throat,
chest, and hard, aching cock, stretch out and reach up and get deep
into it, deep into Fraser, and it turned out that he didn't need
that hand on the back of Fraser's head for anything at all, because
Fraser had it covered.
He kept his other hand fisted tight around the base
of his dick, and
when he felt Fraser's soft lips slide over his fingers there he
jerked and grunted and stiffened up so he wouldn't just shove
himself deeper and make it happen -- not yet, not quite yet, he had
to stop, Fraser had to stop, Fraser should stop this, Fraser...
"Fraser..." He meant to say 'stop'. He did. He'd had
of this wet, deep, tight; enough of the soft curve of Fraser's neck
sweet under his hand; enough of moaning like his heart was breaking
while Fraser moved on him, teaching him a new meaning for the word
"God --" he was talking to the roof, felt like he could
talk to the
roof all night. Maybe even get past this one-word crap and really
open up about it, tell the roof about how it wasn't supposed to be
this way, and how he never knew what the hell he was doing anymore,
how he was trying not to scream right now with how good it was and
about how he was so... fucking... sorry...
"Sorry --" One too many times; one too many strokes
went way down and did that weird swallowing thing that pulled
somewhere deep in him every time it happened, and he wanted to tell
the roof there was no way this was Fraser's first time, no way you
could learn to do that on the job. On the job. Awww, fuck, roof,
yeah, he was getting a job all right. Didn't know a job like this
was out there with his name on it. Didn't know, didn't know, Christ,
he'd had no idea.
One last hot-sweet-wet glide into Fraser's mouth and
then he did
scream -- strangled and choked off and stifled against the back of
his own hand, yes, but still -- it was a yell, a racket. Bad enough.
Bad enough to let him know that he'd never had a more shameful
moment in his life than right now; thrashing all over the place and
hanging onto Fraser's head and bucking up and in and coming like
nobody'd ever touched him in his whole miserable life. Until now.
"Fraser." At least it wasn't a scream. All he could
see was black
and all he could feel was a hot pulse of pleasure through his whole
body, but the screaming part seemed to be over and the good after
hey-maybe-it-is-okay crazy euphoria part took over. Thank God.
He heard Fraser sigh, felt Fraser shaking. When he
could stand it he
tugged Fraser's head up from his lap, up from something unimaginable
that his mind seemed to be trying to both memorize and erase. Part
of him knew that it was time for the guilt and regret to set in now,
time to let this terrible thing that he'd done slide into the past,
and start paying for it--
But he wasn't done. He pulled Fraser straight from
his lap to his
mouth, straight into another kiss -- a whole different thing than
what had gone on before, because he still couldn't stop himself but
now he wasn't angry anymore, now he was just burning with deep,
grateful pleasure. And that wasn't right, that wasn't what this was
supposed to be about, not at all. But the wrongness of it didn't
matter, he already had their mouths sealed together and was going
for it, gentle and blissed out and fiercely glad in a way he knew
he'd cringe over later.
And for the first time Fraser did more than just let
him -- Fraser
answered his gladness with gladness, and spoke that to him just as
surely as if he'd used words to do it. He felt Fraser wanting, and
he didn't, couldn't understand it, but right now it just was what it
was -- it was Fraser needing something that he could give. Before he
knew it his hand was tight on a hard, hot length under scratchy
fabric, and he told Fraser to come, he said it out loud but muffled
around Fraser's tongue in his mouth, and Fraser stiffened and
groaned just like that, like that was all he'd been waiting for,
like that was all he'd needed. Which was a fucking mindblower.
"Fuck." Straight into the stratosphere. There was no
way to follow
where he'd come from to where he was, no way on heaven or earth to
explain how he'd managed to get here. He'd been angry, he knew that
much. Angry at himself and angry at Fraser -- Fraser, who alternated
between normal, predictable Fraser and this Fraser, this melting-
into-him, panting-and-flushed Fraser... Who turned from one to the
other faster than he could keep up.
"Yeah," Fraser breathed in his ear, enough of a shock
to send him
bolt upright in his seat. That was just too much. He pulled back.
Pulled away. Fastened his clothes just as quick as he could,
fighting off a sudden wave of panic until he was all zipped up
Ray faced forward, wincing when he realized that he'd
have to turn
on the defroster because they'd steamed the car up good. That was no
way to spot... what? Who were they out here for again?
He heard Fraser shifting around, and out of the corner
of his eye he
caught that clean, white handkerchief that Fraser always had on him,
prepared for anything, and part of him wondered how Fraser could
have possibly been prepared for this...
--Smuggling. Smugglers. They were on the lookout for
suspicious activities. At that warehouse. Where he was looking now.
Ray ignored the foggy view and found the defroster by feel, staring
at the warehouse door for all he was worth while Fraser poked that
clean white handkerchief down his uniform pants, swabbed around a
little, then folded it up and put it in his pocket, like he always
did that, came in his pants on a stakeout.
Fraser didn't say much. Okay, he didn't say anything.
Which was kind
of amazing, considering they had to sit there for another six hours
in a car that smelled like come, in a car with windows that never
did completely defrost, like they figured why bother when who knew
when one of occupants would pounce on the other one again.
Six hours in a car with steamed-up windows, ping-ponging
disbelief and giddiness and the occasional flare of gut-clenching
temper. At least he was. He had no idea how Fraser felt. Fraser'd
managed to pull himself together pretty good, surprise surprise --
which told him more about Fraser than he'd ever wanted to know --
but Ray still felt like he'd had most of his common sense and his
entire self-image sucked out through his dick.
And he wasn't at all sure he'd proved his point.
Hell, he couldn't even remember what the point was.
Desk duty had its advantages. If he bent far enough
over a folder,
and kept a pen in his hand, nobody bugged him. Pretty neat trick,
huh. Even Frannie left him alone.
Two weeks since the stakeout. The makeout. The blow...
weeks of doing his level best to pretend nothing had happened, that
he hadn't done as bad (or worse) by Fraser as Darnell would've done,
if Ray'd let him have his way. At least Darnell probably wouldn't
have... in the front seat... on duty...
Jesus, what had he done?
The fact of it, the hugeness of it came over
him for a moment, and
he shivered. Unreal. It had felt unreal right afterwards and it
still felt that way now, and when it didn't he found himself wishing
it did -- because it was too real, too reach-right-down-in-there
real for him to deal with. All it ever did was make him cringe; all
it ever did was put him on edge and make him feel turned on and sick
to his stomach and hungry all at once.
Made him want to hide somewhere.
Made him want to find Fraser, pronto, and... what?
What the hell
could he do, anyway, except make things worse?
He'd had his chance to set things right, and instead
them wrong. Even worse, worse than doing it, worse than making
Fraser do it, was the certainty, down in a dark, empty place he
didn't want to see, that he'd do it again. That he'd do more than
that, if Fraser'd let him. That he wanted more, when less would have
been the smart move.
Somehow, in trying to kill the loneliness, Ray had
just managed to
feed it, until it grew and spread and threatened to choke him.
Threatened him. Now, any cop can tell you what happens to a guy who
feels threatened. He either pushes or he folds. Ray'd never been
much of one for folding.
So maybe the sad truth was that it wasn't Darnell
Fraser needed to
Kind of amazing, really, that afterwards life continued
as if his world hadn't been turned on its side, tucked up against a
car door and blown into a new dimension.
Pretending wasn't perfect, but it was better than dwelling
he couldn't talk about, or even think about in whole sentences most
of the time.
Nothing constructive had come of the stakeout -- not
car, and for sure not inside the car. And so life, well, life just
went on. The bad guys didn't care much whether Ray Kowalski had his
head up his ass, or whether Charlie Darnell was sniffing around the
Mountie, so getting things back to even, if not back to normal,
seemed like a good thing to go for.
So Ray tried. He really tried, and, for the most part,
succeeded pretty well.
If their duet ended up being a trio more often than
not, well, that
didn't seem to be the hurdle it once was. Nobody's gonna think
anything nasty about three cops heading out for something to eat, or
catching a movie, or going midnight bowling. No, it was the couple
thing he'd worried about. This was just some guys going out, right?
One good thing about it was that he got to keep an
eye on Darnell.
No harm in that, was there? He'd seen the way Darnell watched Fraser
when he thought nobody was looking --like the way Dief looked at a
Twinkie. Fraser needed a keeper and there he was, a good Ray-sized
one, fully charged and ready to serve. And Fraser seemed okay with
him coming along. Seemed kind of happy about it, like he liked
things being more like the way they had been.
Yeah, it was good. Long as he managed to pretend he
as he didn't think about... as long as he kept it all on the surface
-- work, food, fun -- it was all right.
He tried to forget that Fraser had said it was all
right the other
way, too. Both times they'd... the first thing Fraser'd said
afterward was that it was all right. Gave the go-ahead, but after
the fact. Permission granted, retroactive.
Backwards, just like every other freaking thing in
his life at the
Permission. For what? To screw up the last good thing
he had going?
God, he could hear himself now, telling Fraser in that rathole that
there was nothing good about this. Nothing good. Nothing good about
Fraser and Darnell, and for sure nothing good about Fraser and
Ray dropped his head the last few inches down onto
his desk, feeling
the cool paper of some report or other against his hot forehead.
There was no him and Fraser. Not like that.
Cuz even if Fraser
was... and it was starting to look like yeah, maybe he was... Ray
certainly wasn't. No way. Nuh-uh. Didn't know where the thoughts
kept coming from. He'd used Fraser. Used his mouth like it was his
own hand, in the dark, under the covers, doing it like he liked.
He'd been mad, crazy mad, jumping out of his skin crazy and he'd
finally pushed Fraser over his edge, too, and God, it had felt
good, but it wasn't good.
Even if, way down deep, something in him whispered
that he wanted it
He'd looked in the rearview mirror, once, afterward,
and been so
shocked by what he'd seen he'd barely looked since. He'd taken up an
electric razor to avoid watching himself shave. He tilted the car
mirrors so all he got was open road, no shock of blue gray eyes,
nobody there to mock him, tell him he sucked, what kind of friend
was that, what kind of partner, to do that?
Fraser made it easy on him. Talked cool to him, didn't
didn't bug him. Or maybe he just didn't let himself be bugged. Could
be that. Took two to tango -- always had. If Ray could keep a lid on
it, Fraser could, too. Fraser took his cues from him, he knew that.
Always had. Fraser... responded... to him.
And off his brain went again, would probably have played
damn thing over again in his mind if his ears hadn't caught
something, if his Fraser radar hadn't gone off, poking him, telling
him to pay attention. He raised his head.
There, by Darnell's desk. Fraser, bent at the waist,
his hands on the desk, Darnell looking up at him, not smiling. Ray
squinted, reached for his glasses. Whoa. Somebody's dog die?
He saw Fraser glance around the squad room, his gaze
Ray, then returning briefly before he dipped his head toward Darnell
" --talk about this someplace more private?" Ray heard
then a phone rang somewhere and Darnell's reply was drowned out.
Then they were up, headed out, Darnell walking ahead of Fraser a
little bit, so tall he made Fraser look small.
He should probably let them have their talk in private.
A man had a
right to a private conversation, didn't he? Sure he did.
Wasn't gonna happen. Not on his watch. And since his
watch seemed to
be pretty much all the time, it didn't take him a minute to re-file
the folder, grab a jacket and do that tracking thing, down the hall,
outside, following an instinct that said Fraser'd never talk about
anything even remotely personal in the building.
He spotted them at the edge of the park, sitting on
the low wall
near the pond. Something about it made his heart pound high and fast
in his chest -- maybe it was seeing them sitting like that, or maybe
the fact that he was following along, thinking there was no way he
was really gonna do this, but yeah, doing it anyway. He swallowed,
and tried to remind his jumping nerves that he wasn't sneaking up on
a couple of bad guys here, but just two guys, two other cops, trying
to have a little talk.
He saw that they both had hot dogs in their hands,
but he would have
bet his next paycheck Fraser wouldn't eat his. Cover, that's what it
was. Two guys eating lunch. That was all. Abruptly he wondered if
that had been Fraser's idea. If it had been, then maybe Fraser
really had learned something about keeping up appearances. Ray
shrugged it off, trying not to think about whether that was a good
thing or a bad thing.
Had to love the urban planners and their thing for
little bushy beauties let him get close enough to hear, without
being close enough to be seen. He moved easily, quietly, so quietly
that he didn't think even Fraser would hear anything. He was so into
it, into finding a good spot and a comfortable position and a casual
stance, that it wasn't until he tuned in and started actually
listening that it occurred to him that maybe, or even make that
probably, he might not want to hear what they had to say.
" --been as patient as I can, Ben," Darnell said.
"And I appreciate that, Charlie, more than I can say," Fraser said.
Hearing that, having it out in the open like that --
copping to the fact that he'd been angling for Fraser's Twinkie, and
Fraser, implying that it hadn't happened yet -- it was a relief and
a shock at the same time. Ray took a deep, quiet breath that seemed
to uncurl a thread of tension that had been twisting in his stomach,
a tension he hadn't really noticed until it wasn't there anymore.
He squinted up at the sky like he was checking out
careful to keep his head tilted at the best listening angle. It was
weird not to be able to see them, but he had to keep an eye out.
Didn't want anybody thinking he was some weirdo, creeping around in
the bushes. Made him wish he'd thought ahead enough to get his own
"I mean, it's like I'm in high school, dating the Homecoming
You let me this close and no closer," Darnell said.
Ray could hear the frustration in Darnell's voice.
More than hear
it, he recognized it, had heard it in his own voice more times than
he could count. Yeah, Fraser could tie you up in a knot faster than
you could say "Mounties always get their man."
Silence for a minute. Damn, he wished he could see
Fraser's face. He
was pretty good at getting stuff from his expression; had to be
since Fraser didn't always spit up everything when he should.
"Charlie, I enjoy your company... "
God, that line again. C'mon, Fraser, get some new material.
found himself smiling anyway -- an uncomfortably smug-feeling, but
irresistible smile -- already knowing, already buzzing in his hard-
to-keep-still body because that was Fraser's 'I'm-gonna-be-real-
polite-while-I-ruin-your-life' tone, Fraser's regretful tone. Too
bad, Charlie, no Twinkie for you--
"... but I'm not interested in pursuing a deeper relationship,"
Ray's smile widened, and his face felt hot. Got it in one.
"It doesn't have to be a relationship, Ben.
Why can't we just...
you know, have a good time? Why's it got to be complicated?" Darnell
pressed. Ray's smile slipped away as if it had never been there, and
his muscles twitched -- an automatic urge to push his way past the
screen of shrubbery, and maybe get in Darnell's smooth-talking face
and ask him just who in the hell he thought he was pushing, here,
because Fraser said no already, he said no--
Fraser's voice tightened. "I don't seem to have the
casual relationships. I'm sorry."
More silence. Ray didn't blame Darnell for not responding
to that --
just those few quiet words had stopped him cold, too. He shifted to
a more comfortable crouch, hoping they weren't going to turn this
thing into a soap opera -- his knees couldn't take it. He supposed
he should go -- he'd heard what he needed to hear, after all.
"That's it? You won't even think about it?" Darnell
said, and Ray
almost felt sorry for him. Almost. He knew how hard it was for
Francesca to work with Fraser, feeling like she did, and there had
to be others who felt like that -- Fraser seemed to collect them,
whether he wanted to or not. And now Charlie would feel that way,
This close but no closer.
Funny, that wasn't how he felt. Too close was
more like it. Too
"I am sorry," Fraser said, and damn if he didn't
sound like he
Yeah, sorry, Charlie.
Something seemed to sink in -- past the relief part,
now, this was
more like certainty, and Ray clamped down on the sudden shot of
adrenaline that streaked through him, that made him want to jump out
of the bushes and say, "HA! How 'bout them apples?"
A crazy thing to do, sure, but he couldn't help feeling
automatic, and powerful enough to feel like a kick to the chest,
busting-out-full of something and needing to share the high. He
kept himself still. It was a backlash, that was all. It was just
because he'd been freaked for so long about what might happen if
Darnell ever got it in gear and went for it.
The silence went on long enough this time that he had
to peek. They
were gone. Ray gave it another minute, then unraveled his crouch and
went to sit on a bench, resting his knees and giving his brain a
second to get with the program.
Fraser'd turned Darnell down. Got the offer, thought
about it, and
turned the fucker down. Turned him down flat, none of that hemming
and hawing stuff he usually did when the conversation turned
And there'd been none of that "it's all right" stuff
Darnell. Nope, he hadn't heard a word about that.
Fraser'd said no. Fraser wasn't screwing around with
yet, and apparently wasn't going to.
Ray pulled in a deep breath and let the last of the
out of him, leaving him jumpy and a little stiff. Fraser... had done
what he'd done.
Now all Ray had to do was decide whether or not he
wanted to think
Kind of a cake decision, as it turned out. Yeah, he
wanted to think
about why, and it was a damn good thing, because he didn't manage to
think about much of anything else for the next three days. Thought
about it all the time, actually, mostly in the back of his mind
unless he was home and in bed with all the lights out, which was
when the whole situation wasn't in the back of his mind at all. It
was inside him, settled low in his gut, riding him.
That was when the highs and lows, the tension and fear
and want and
rush and heat of it was right in him, filling him up, tearing him
apart little by little and leading him in circles of thoughts,
cycles of feeling, that made him wonder if he might not be going a
little bit nuts. A little more nuts.
After all, Fraser hadn't said a single thing about
why. Hadn't told
Darnell that sorry, Mr. America-types just didn't turn his crank,
hadn't said anything about maybe saving his Twinkie for somebody
else. All he'd said was 'sorry'. And that he didn't do casual sex--
Which, when he thought about it, made him wonder about
conversation, whether he'd heard what he thought he'd heard, whether
he'd really been there to hear it, because that was an out-and-out
lie. Fraser did do casual sex. Fraser had blown him in the front
seat of his car, on a stakeout -- and sex didn't get much more
casual than that.
...Or much hotter than that. At least, not in his experience.
as for Fraser's experience, he didn't have a clue -- not very long
ago, he wouldn't have put down a penny on Fraser having much of
any experience. Of course, he wouldn't have figured Fraser for
queer, either, and look where that got him. Maybe Fraser did that
kind of thing all the time. But wait, he'd said he didn't do that
kind of thing. But he did. Or he had. Ray'd been there for it, Ray
remembered it well, could give a play-by-play if Fraser needed his
memory jogged. Maybe if Ray went ahead and asked Fraser about it, it
would be one of those over-and-done-with, water under the culvert
things. For Fraser at least.
But it didn't seem very likely, didn't seem very much
Fraser he knew -- but hey, none of this did, so what the hell?
Which brought him right back to a counting-up of the
Fraser'd said no to Darnell. Fraser hadn't said no to him.
And that still seemed wrong -- that Fraser would let
him pull that
shit, and just keep not saying no. Like somehow his no-sayer was
broken when it came to Ray.
Hard on the heels of that thought there was always
a question --
always the same question -- and every time Ray's mind wandered down
that particular path it was like his thoughts floated up and out and
beyond any hope of his control. His face got hot and his body
tingled, and it didn't seem to matter what he happened to be doing
at the time -- making coffee, getting bawled out by Welsh, watching
the Cubs get their asses kicked -- whatever he was doing would go
dim and faraway, and by the time he pulled himself back in line he'd
have a great, big, embarrassing boner to deal with.
What else wouldn't Fraser say no to?
Of course, it wasn't the question that was fucking
with him so much
as it was the answer -- maybe nothing. There probably wasn't a
single, goddamn thing that Ray could think of (and he did think of
it, he thought of a lot of things; didn't really want to and didn't
think it was a good idea but he did it anyway) that would actually
make Fraser say no.
That was really the worst of it -- the idea that maybe
wouldn't say no. It chewed at him, rubbed against him, got him all
messed up and excited and terrified all at the same time: Fraser
wouldn't say no, Ray knew he wouldn't, he knew it, and God it
would be so much easier, so much simpler if he would. Just 'no', and
Ray could back off, back away, no problems and with his conscience
Then he could still be him, or the him he was pretending
anyway, the one who'd been pretty happy just having Fraser for a
partner, having somebody to eat with, somebody to bounce ideas off
of. Now that the Darnell thing was back-burnered, they could, maybe,
if they wanted to, go back to the way things had been before.
Yeah, before a whole bunch of fences got jumped.
So he wished, often, sometimes he dreamed, that
Fraser said no to
Just as much as he wished and dreamed that Fraser said yes.
And he thought, late at night, in the safety and solitude
bed, about what he could do, if he dared, with Fraser's yes.
What he could do...
So he put into practice what he'd learned from Fraser,
and did that
'there, but not there' thing. Worked the cases, went to dinner in
that cozy little threesome they'd built, and did his level best not
to stand within five feet of Fraser.
How to chill, Fraser-style. Hey, he'd learned from
a master. How to
make it look good, so Welsh didn't notice, or Frannie, so it looked
like business as usual.
Not even close.
Hadn't been for a long, long time. And if he let the
inside his head go the way it wanted to, he'd be throwing it all
away. Was pretty close to thrown as it was and one more move, one
more wrong step, one more time getting his hands on Fraser's
curiously receptive body would be the limit, the end, the wall.
Once more, just once, and the partnership would go
th-th-th-that's all folks. Ruptured. Severed.
Nothing could withstand that kind of torture and survive. Nothing.
And as much as he seemed to... want... he didn't want that.
So he stayed close but steered clear of anything that
might put them
together in the same place for more than fifteen minutes at a time.
He found himself using Darnell as a buffer, inviting him along on
trips that really didn't need two CPD detectives.
Ironic, huh. After all the trials and tribulations
about Fraser and
Darnell, and what it looked like versus what it was, now he was the
one making the overtures about the Greek restaurants, keeping
Darnell in the middle, keeping it all on the level, on the up and
up, giving himself some critical distance.
Because he didn't trust Fraser not to give him what he wanted.
And he didn't trust himself not to ask for it.
As it turned out, all of that was just a head-trip,
all of it was...
whosiewhatsie... academic. An academic thing. Right. Too bad he
hadn't taken time to get out of his head long enough to wonder what
Fraser thought about it all. Might have been a good question to
ask at some point along the way. One more thing to add to the list
of "Ways Ray Fucked Up."
Because right about the time he'd decided he might
just explode out
of his skin from chilling out and holding back and trying to do The
Right Thing, and he'd scoured his own brain about it so much that he
felt like he'd scrubbed off some stuff he might need later,
opportunity knocked on his door.
Actually, it was Fraser who knocked on his door. The
part of it was because, for once, it was Fraser all by himself,
without the usual additions of Dief-and-Darnell. Just Fraser, asking
him if he had plans, if he wanted to get some dinner.
Like he used to. Like they hadn't just spent some crazy
avoiding each other, then colliding at regular intervals, ruining
everything, trying to ruin it.
And yeah, he knew it was just stupid but he couldn't
help it --
right away he got nervous about that. It made his mouth dry up and
his palms go moist and itchy, and even though he felt nervous about
it he was kinda... glad about it too -- even more stupid -- but he
couldn't help it. Couldn't help any of it.
"Just you and me, huh?" He had a horrible suspicion
that he might be
blushing, because his face felt awfully hot. But at least there was
the relief of knowing that, if he was, Fraser didn't appear to have
"If that's all right." In the mellow light of the hallway
looked impossibly... precise, clean and calm and orderly, and
immediately Ray was swamped with the desire to get in his face, to
tell Fraser point-blank 'you sucked my dick', just to see what
And there was something else, too, something less of
more of compulsion: the urge to reach out and mess up what he could,
the urge to make Fraser sweat, to get him dirty, to sticky him up
and slick him over and move him so far past clean and calm and
orderly that a fucking truckload of handkerchiefs wouldn't be
enough to undo the damage.
In the end, though, he didn't go with either impulse.
In the end he
just held the door open to let Fraser in, and mumbled something
about needing to change his shirt.
So he waved Fraser in and then went to pull something
off the still-
pretty-clean pile, and it wasn't until he stepped back into the
living room that another piece of the puzzle snicked into place in
his mind, and he found himself leaning against the doorway staring
at Fraser -- at Fraser's profile, actually, since Fraser was
standing at parade rest in front of his window, looking out; tall
and correct and silent. And he knew he should say something, but
right now he didn't seem to be capable of saying anything, not while
his head was buzzing all this, with everything.
The queer thing, that was it.
When he looked at Fraser now, he saw 'Fraser -- queer',
little thought totally spun his wheels, because Fraser was just
Queerboy. Choirboy. Imagine that.
It twisted him somehow. It made him feel like there
was too much,
just too much he didn't know, too much that he never would have
guessed. Too many surprises, and a whole bunch of almost-panic at
the thought of what the next surprise might be...
...So what did that make him? And why couldn't
he just pick
something and stick with it? Because it seemed like, no matter what,
even if he took a good long look at himself and he turned out to be
a full-bore flaming homo, it had to be easier than what he'd been
going through; easier than wondering and fearing and wanting and
struggling and not knowing, not ever-ever knowing.
Turned out it wasn't an explosion he was waiting for.
It was an
implosion, everything caving in on itself, all of it, and just like
the first time, just like the last time, when he got this close, got
this far, nothing else seemed to matter except...
His feet moved, long strides that felt funny but felt
like he had a purpose here, dammit, and he didn't care what it
looked like. And then he was in front of the window, and eye-to-eye
with Fraser, who turned right to him, turned right around to face
him, and Fraser looked nothing like the kind of guy who gave blow-
jobs in the front seats of cars and came in his pants with just one
touch, nothing at all like the kind of horndog who didn't know how
to say 'no'--
He couldn't do it. Somehow couldn't stand there and
not touch him.
Couldn't go to dinner and pretend, couldn't hold himself back. Not
for another minute of his life, not even for a second. So Fraser
would have to do it for him. Any holding back that had to be done,
Fraser would have to do it.
"Tell me." His own voice sounded much too rough, much
too angry in
his ears. He didn't remember reaching out but apparently he'd just
gone ahead and done it, because now he had one hand hooked behind
Fraser's neck, and the other burrowed under the tunic and curled
tight into the waistband of Fraser's pants, pulling their bodies
Fraser's eyes were wide and dark, full of that strange
that complete lack of fear, that heat that he just didn't get, he
didn't get it -- "Tell you what, Ray?"
He slid his hand up the back of Fraser's neck and into
hair, one quick second to appreciate how the curve of skull fit just
right in his palm before he tugged Fraser close, close enough to
almost touch, almost kiss. "Tell me no, Fraser. Tell me that."
A spark, a curl, a glint of something burning down
far away, far
deep in there in Fraser's eyes, far past the point where he could
see. "No, Ray."
He heard it and his heart slammed in his chest,
and for a split
second he was so hot, white-hot, because he'd asked for it and now
by God he'd got it and it was-wasn't-was what he wanted. He could
let go now. He could let go.
His whole body shuddered hard. Once.
He couldn't let go.
He shifted his feet, braced himself. "Tell me again,
more time, one more time and he'd be able to let go, be able to take
the answer inside him, where it could fight for space with all the
rest of the stuff he didn't want to think about right now, all the
stuff he didn't want to know about himself.
And Fraser looked so strange, staring into his eyes
that way --
hungry and satisfied all at the same time, like he was into
something, getting something out of just looking. "I won't. I won't
say no, Ray."
Everything stood still for just a second -- the room,
himself -- everything frozen, everything locked. Then he felt his
face go red-hot, and just like that everything unfroze, and he was
free. Free to... what? What was he free to do, exactly?
He swallowed. "What if I say it?"
Fraser's hands came up close, traced a soft, slow line
over -- of
all weird places -- his throat. "Are you saying no?"
Beat of head. Beat of heart. Familiar, but no hangover
this time, no
excuse. Just the realization that he'd hit a wall, a wall with a
door in it, and he could either continue to hurl himself at it until
he was bruised and beaten, or he could turn the knob and walk right
"No." He couldn't hear it, just felt the vibration
in his throat
under Fraser's fingers when he said it. "I mean, I'm not saying no
And then it kind of caught up with him: what he'd just
not said no
to, what he'd basically said yes to, what he'd just put at risk,
but Fraser's tongue was already slipping over his own and Fraser's
body was pressed hard against him, and then there wasn't a lot of
time to think about it.
There was time to feel it, though, along with the muscle-loosening,
dick-hardening, pulse-pounding reality of Fraser getting into it,
making out, taking over -- a low, distant, thundery sort of sadness,
a brief wish that somehow he could have kept this one thing safe
from the kind of disaster he constantly brought down on himself.
Fraser was... a good partner. And a good friend...
...And a really, really good kisser. Hot, and
hungry, and deep --
kind of an 'out of this world' kisser, because Ray was having a hell
of a time remembering that there was a world outside of these
kisses, outside of having Fraser's arms around him and Fraser's
hands all over him, outside of what Fraser felt like when he let
himself go like this.
Then there was a moment, sharp and immediate, when
he could feel
Fraser's shoulders pulling away from his hands, when Fraser's hands
held his face away while Fraser stared into his eyes, and Ray had to
blink to focus, to see more than a soft, blurred haze of want.
"Are you saying yes, Ray?"
He felt his head bob up and down. Yeah, yeah, hadn't
"What are you saying yes to, Ray?"
It was funny, but he'd never been in this kind of position
never been the one who could just relax and let things happen to
him. And oh, Jesus, it scared the crap out of him but he liked it
-- he liked it a lot. He licked his lips, tasted Fraser there, and
his stomach knotted up for a second with the desire to have Fraser's
taste, his smell, everywhere, everywhere he could reach and some
places he couldn't.
Slut -- he was a fucking slut. For this. For Fraser.
He took a deep
breath, a Fraserless breath that felt cold inside him, and shivered.
"Anything? Everything?" Didn't seem to be much point
with anything less, not at this stage in the game. Not considering
what it was probably going to cost him.
And maybe Fraser knew that, or sensed it somehow, because
didn't push for anything more but just started stripping him out of
his clothes, kissing all the bare places as they were exposed. Ray
just let it happen, let everything -- fear, and regret, and tense,
maddening lust -- just roll over and through him, let it shake him,
take him, pull him wide open.
Some of it was weird -- deeply, terribly weird. Like
being down on
the floor all of a sudden, naked as a jaybird and straddling
Fraser's lap -- Fraser's fully clothed lap -- and being held in a
way that seemed completely wrong for two guys who were supposed to
be rolling around and getting their jollies (not that he'd know, not
that he had the faintest clue about this whole thing).
Like being held in a way that made him press his face
Fraser's scratchy, uniformed shoulder -- because Fraser's strong
arms and solid body felt so fucking good that it made his eyes
sting, and he had no idea how Fraser could have known that he needed
to be held like that when he hadn't known himself, but Fraser knew,
and so Fraser held him and didn't make a big deal out of it, but it
was a big deal, it was.
Made him wonder what else Fraser'd known all along.
And yeah, it was weird when Fraser finally pulled back
left him a weak and horny puddle on the floor and finally started
getting out of that damned itchy wool, when Fraser tugged something
out of his pocket -- a small bottle, a few packets -- and shrugged
at him, when he finally managed to tear his eyes away from that and
look at Fraser's flushed, rueful face...
"The curse of the optimist, Ray."
And maybe he should've been pissed about that but instead
jerked this short, surprised laugh out of him, so he didn't bother
to get pissed. Instead he paid attention to the way his heartbeat
was shaking him, even like this, laid out flat on the floor, watched
Fraser strip, and murmured:
"Pretty sure I'd be easy, huh?"
Fraser shook his head. "You are many things, Ray, but
'easy' is not
Before he could decide whether to feel flattered or
was on him and doing things to him again, both of them naked this
time so there was a lot more Fraser to feel, now, a whole lot of it,
all smooth and warm, like his mouth; he was like his mouth all over
his body, and the world went away again, flamed away on tongues and
rough fingers and the fire of hard, desperate cocks until later,
much later, when he was kneeling up with Fraser right behind him,
shaking in Fraser's arms like something was wrong, really wrong
But there couldn't be anything wrong, because Fraser
had him tight
and solid, and Fraser had fingers pressing inside him now (inside!
God!), and he couldn't stop rocking back, shocking himself with it,
and he could hear his own voice, low and rough, saying over and over
that this was good, this was good, this was just so fucking good.
"Easy, Ray. It's all right." He heard that from far
away, and then
Fraser tilted him, shifted him forward so he went, went down, went
forward and put his hot face down on the scratchy, but significantly
cooler carpet, because he trusted Fraser. And he stayed where Fraser
put him and then he waited, thinking to himself that he was being
very patient, for someone who was about ten strokes past crazy.
Even though he was shaking he felt calm until one big
his hip and he felt a snub, slick touch right where he was hungriest
-- not fingers, no way was that fingers -- and the truth of what
this was and who was with him sank home all in one hot, spasming
second and then, before he could blink, or protest, or take a second
even to figure out what that incredible rush meant, he was coming,
squirting all over his own chest and rocking and groaning loud
enough to make his own ears hurt.
And of course he expected Fraser to stop, then, to
back off a little
and let him pull himself together, but instead Fraser nudged at him,
pushed, and he felt himself flex and then Fraser just stroked
right into him, right in deep, and his entire body went rigid and
there was pain and he was still coming, shaking, gasping -- God! --
taking it, taking everything Fraser had to give, utterly unable --
finally, finally -- to hold anything back.
He came down slowly, relaxing one muscle at a time
into a body that
was already full beyond bearing. Full of pleasure, full of
embarrassment, full of Fraser -- and that still seemed
unbelievable, absolutely unreal, but all he had to do was tighten
down to know that, yes, that was Fraser back there, that was Fraser
in him, around him, everywhere.
"Perfect," Fraser breathed in his ear, stroking him
-- such a
strong, sure touch -- stroking down his wet chest, his belly,
stroking up his thighs, holding him, touching him, in every way he
could be touched. "You're perfect, so perfect --" and he was so
entranced by that, by the fact that Fraser could actually say
that, that he barely noticed when Fraser started to move again until
they were already there, in rhythm, back and forth and in and out
and deep and slow and...
...And this was a lot more than he'd bargained for.
This went so far
past what he'd bargained for that he couldn't even see there from
here. After all this time of not getting it, of not understanding
what Fraser wanted, now he was starting to get it -- and it wasn't
just his ass. Not that simple. A truth communicated to him through
touch, through patience, through steady, smooth, stroke after stroke
of slow pleasure -- Fraser wasn't into his ass. Fraser was into
Fraser was into him.
And that changed everything. He let himself go under,
up to sound and smell and the lapping ripples of sweet, unbearable
sensation that spread, wider and deeper, softening him, tenderizing
him from the inside out, straight from Fraser's center to his own. A
He felt Fraser push deep inside him, felt each stroke
directly to his dick, pumping it up, tingling sensation, so soon, so
fast, until he pushed back, thrust forward, learning the motion,
absorbing it, absorbing Fraser, dizzy from trying to sort out one
sensation from another.
Sweat. His chest, wet with it, with come, smeared by
fingers. He heard his name, lost among moans. Heard himself fight
He pushed hard into air until he felt Fraser's hand
there, as smooth
and warm as the rest of him, a strong hold, perfect, and he had to
open his eyes, had to see. Looked down and saw an old scar on
Fraser's knuckle, barely visible in the dim light. Something wild
and lionhearted thundered against him when he pushed back, teeth
rasped on the nape of his neck, and he felt obedient blood rising to
the surface. Blood rising, slowly but surely; a ripening and heavy-
wet smell of desire. An upside-down world, the long reach of view
down his own body, Fraser's pale, strong hand on his hard wet cock,
raw and shocking.
When the deliberate rhythm stuttered apart he gasped,
caught on a
spike of excitement, skittering along like a kicked pebble across
the surface of his own lust. Catching up. Reaching back for a
handful of hot, smooth-skinned muscle, the flex and rock and ragged,
shallow pounding of need.
Low hunger in his belly, a thigh-clenching, cock-throbbing,
and urgent greed for this, fucking Fraser's hand and taking
everything he wanted, pulling Fraser to him and demanding -- do it,
let it go, let me have it -- and then he was slammed forward so hard
he almost went down flat. Fraser's arm curled up under his shoulder
and pulled him back, pulled him into it, and Fraser made some
desperate sound like an animal and shoved one last time and then
Fraser was coming inside him, rigid and groaning and bucking and
stroking until Ray was there, right where Fraser was, twisted with
pleasure and pulsing out, out, out; the wild, mingled sound of their
voices something bright and strange and wonderful.
It hadn't seemed possible that Fraser might... that
that Fraser could possibly want him back. Not want him back as a
partner, but want him also.
Fraser wanted him.
Not Darnell. Didn't matter whether Darnell wanted him;
used to people wanting him. It only mattered who Fraser wanted. And
that, weirdly, oddly, emphatically, seemed to be him.
Ray sighed, burrowed closer to Fraser's drowsing body
Felt like himself for the first time in a long time, which was
strange, too, since he wasn't sure he'd ever really known who he was
before. He'd missed something pretty important, missed it
completely. Thank God for Fraser, who hadn't given up on him, hadn't
let him throw it all away, even when he thought that was exactly
what he was doing.
"You could've said something, you know," Ray mumbled
into the arm
under his head.
"I thought I had," Fraser said against Ray's shoulder.
Using every ounce of energy left in his sore, sated
body, Ray rolled
over to face Fraser.
"Not so much with words," Fraser continued, aligning
his body to
Ray's, holding him snugly against his chest. "I'm afraid words tend
to desert me just when they might prove the most useful, but --"
"With what you did," Ray finished the sentence for
him, and saw a
grateful little smile flicker across Fraser's face.
"That's right," Fraser said quietly.
"Cuz you don't do casual relationships," Ray said.
Fraser moved against him. "That's very perceptive, Ray."
Ray snorted. "Not as much as you'd think."
Fraser raised an eyebrow at him, and Ray gave in to
to trace it with his index finger.
"I sort of accidentally heard you tell Darnell that," he said.
"Okay, on purpose," Ray said, then decided maybe it
was time to
distract Fraser before he got a lecture about eavesdropping. "Told
you he was on the make."
"So you did," Fraser said, "And I told you I wasn't
"You did not," Ray said, indignant, because
he would have
remembered that. That might have saved him a world of hurt.
"Yes, I did." Firm, confident, that voice. That voice
spent the last couple of months tied up in knots.
"No, you didn--"
Mouth on his, familiar, warm, like the night in the
foyer of the
Consulate -- a slick, heated blur.
"I told you there wasn't anything improper about our
Fraser said against his mouth, licking in between the words.
Ray struggled not to fall back under. Some stuff left
to be said,
important stuff, and Fraser was still talking:
"I wasn't interested in him. I didn't want him."
Oh God. So sure of himself, Fraser was so sure
of himself. For a
minute, Ray felt envy rise up in him, sharp and bitter. What he
wouldn't have given to be that certain of who he was, what he
needed, instead of stumbling along as he had, shredded up inside,
unsure about everything except the fact that nothing had been the
way he wanted it.
He pulled himself back, forced himself to concentrate
words. God knew they'd had enough silence.
"But I didn't think you... I didn't know if... " And
Fraser didn't sound perfectly sure.
Right. Well, how could Fraser know when Ray hadn't
had a fucking
clue? Fraser was sure of himself, no problem there -- it was Ray he
didn't get. Yeah, well, join the club.
Ray rubbed his face on Fraser's damp chest. "I didn't
Fraser, so it's not like you missed anything."
Quiet descended, spread over them like a blanket.
"I missed you," Fraser murmured into his hair.
"Yeah, me, too," Ray whispered back. "Thought I'd fucked
it all up,
"And now?" Fraser asked.
Ray raised his head, looked Fraser in the eye. "This
is the part
where you usually say, 'It's all right, Ray.'"
Fraser smiled. "It's all right, Ray."
"It is?" Man, that felt a lot better than his usual
'it's not'. Hell
of a lot better.
So he put his head back down and closed his eyes, and
let it be all
right. Even as sore and tired as he was, there was something in him
that said Fraser still wasn't close enough, so he reached out and
got a big armful and hung on tight, and Fraser squeezed him back,
and that made it even all righter.
He felt muscles loosen up that he hadn't even realized
felt himself relax for the first time since he'd seen Charlie
Darnell look at Fraser like it was suppertime and he was the blue
He'd wanted to spare Fraser some grief, and he'd ended
up the one
doing the grieving. Had wanted to protect him, and ended up the one
He wondered why he could figure out little things on
a case without
any trouble, but big things, like the fact that his wife didn't love
him anymore, or that maybe, just possibly, his partner did, went
right over his head.
Maybe it was time to stop thinking so much, maybe thinking
was what got him tangled up in that coil in the first place, and he
ought to just quit it, just feel for awhile. Open his eyes and ears
and see what Fraser had to say for himself. He could spread a little
blame here, if he played it right. The whole debacle couldn't be
all his fault.
He moved a little, ready to tell Fraser this was all
looking forward to it, almost, the fuss and bother that would
follow, the indignant huffs Fraser would puff; yeah, he might have
to get physical with him -- but Fraser wouldn't let him pull back,
not even an inch. Fraser kept him sealed right up against his body,
skin to skin.
Ray subsided. Okay, yeah, that worked, too.
Close. Protected. Guarded.
God, it was sweet. So sweet, to be like this, heartbeats
mingled breath, inching towards sleep. He wondered if Fraser felt
it, too. Then Fraser's hand moved slowly, slid from tight on his
back to light on his chest, settling right over his heart, pressing
there, and it felt like a kiss.
Yeah, Fraser felt it.
Maybe he hadn't figured it all out yet, had a long
way to go, but
that much Ray knew.
Whatever he felt, Fraser felt it, too.